Antichrist Is Great, Says Man Who Hasn't Seen It

LARS Von Trier's sexually-explicit horror film Antichrist is brilliant and is being attacked by people who probably haven't even seen it, according to a man who hasn't seen it.

Film critic Dan Hodgkinson, of, has been enraptured by the film since not seeing it several days ago.

Writing on his website, he said: "There's loads of scary stuff in some woods, talking foxes and shit like that. Quite a bit of boobage.

"It's all spooky for a bit and then this massive dinosaur turns up and starts having a fight with a giant moth. Then Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg go all batshit and turn into a pair of giant robot with bazookas for arms."

He added: "The cast are all brilliant, particularly the little guy from Diff'rent Strokes who plays an evil badger.

"It is worth bearing in mind that I haven't actually seen it. But I've given this a bunch of thought, and that's more or less what it's like."

Hodgkinson's comments come in a week when a number of other critics who haven't seen the film were disgusted by it.

Daily Mail critic Marcus Phillips said: "I was actually physically sick while sitting at home during the press screening.

"It simply beggars belief that Lars Von Trier should be allowed to make me imagine the kind of sick, kinky, Satanic images of coquettish, doe-eyed young girls defiling themselves with bits of shrub that fill my mind when I think about what this film's probably like."

He added: "If you'll excuse me, I must nip to the bathroom."

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Mercury Winner To Be Given Money To Write A Tune

THE winner of this year's Mercury Music prize will be be given some money to go away and write an actual tune, it has been confirmed.

Announcing this year's shortlist the organisers said nominees including Glasvegas, the Horrors and Kasabian will get the chance to spend £20,000 to come up with something that does not sound like a crash helmet full of bees.

Mercury judge John Gage said: "It's good to award artists who move us emotionally or impress us technically, but we felt this year's shortlist should be about highlighting what not to do."

He added: "La Roux sounds like a narky substitute teacher bashing out some Human League B Sides in a shed and couldn't hit a note with a fucking claw hammer.

"And while I am fully aware that jazz is meant to be unlistenable, were Led Bib even in the same room as each other when they recorded that album? Sweet baby Jesus.

"And then of course there's Bat For Lashes or 'Big Bag of Shit For Muppets' as they're also known."

Music fan Wayne Hayes said: "I really hope it goes to Kasabian, not because of their music obviously, but because they named themselves after the getaway driver for a gang of brutal murderers and I think that's really cool."

Along with the cheque, the winners will get 10 free music lessons and a studio session with someone who can tell the difference between 'good' and 'awful'.

Producer Tom Logan said: "For £20,000 we can bang them out an album, full of potential singles and proper choruses, and not one of them will sound like somebody urinating on a Stylophone."