Any chance of a film that isn't for kids or idiots? ask filmgoers

ADULT filmgoers have been wondering if there is any chance studios could produce something that is not the cinematic equivalent of Haribos.

After a glut of superhero franchises, reworkings of children’s books and inane sci-fi, audiences would be intrigued to see a film with some connection to reality.

Regular cinemagoer Norman Steele said: “Just for once I’d like to see a film that isn’t about cartoon CGI wasps that bizarrely tries to tug at your heartstrings.

“It would also be awesome to not see a film in which various superheroes endlessly pummel each other in extreme ways that would surely reduce their insides to mush.

“Believe it or not, there’s a vast audience for films that don’t appeal to your inner nine-year-old but instead your outer 42-year-old who can cope with things that are real.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for critically acclaimed four-hour cult masterpieces of North African cinema in which a boy spends the entire film looking for his lost goat, then dies.

“I’d just like to see a film that’s resolved by things that are actually possible, not characters reversing time with the Cube of Krondos, or some other bullshit that’s basically magic.”

Steele then went to his local multiplex and saw a film in which the heroine dangled from a blown-up building 200 feet above a massive inferno, only to be rescued by someone with a long, stretchy arm.

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What do the new GCSE grades really mean?

GCSE grades used to be letters but are now numbers, because politicians like to fuck around and change stuff to feel important. But what do the new grades actually mean?

1: The lowest grade without actually failing. If you got this you’re probably dense enough to briefly think it’s the top grade before realising it isn’t and pretending you knew all along.

2-3: Grades for pupils who did not see the point of school. Not of much practical use, but at least you’ll be able to look back on cherished memories like melting that geeky kid’s pens in a bunsen burner until he cried.

4-5: Congratulations! You’re in the zone where technically you got GCSEs, and they’re better than some people’s, but they still don’t count for anything and no employer or educational institution will ever be interested. Why does this zone even exist?

6: You’re probably bright but fucked about just that little bit too much. Or maybe you’re thick and tried your best but it wasn’t good enough. Either way this near-miss is the most tragic of grades.

7: You are over the line. You scraped a real grade, and as a reward you will never have to study, use or think about this subject again.

8: A good grade, but if you’ve got a certain type of parents – possibly Guardian readers – it will disappoint them deeply. They will sit you down at the kitchen table, their faces drawn and anguished, asking what went wrong as if you’re in prison for heroin offences.

9: Fucking swot.