Are you a tedious superhero wanker?

DO you think superhero films are much deeper and more important than they really are? You may be a tedious fanboy. Take our test and find out.

What are your thoughts on the new female superhero Captain Marvel?

A) She’s really empowering and a great role model for women and girls.

B) Only for women who can fly at six times the speed of sound.  

What was your reaction when Spider-Man ‘died’?

A) I wept uncontrollably for days. I can’t believe he’s gone.

B) I can’t believe he’s gone either because if so Marvel has just flushed about $20,000,000,000 down the toilet.

If someone on the internet points out something illogical in a Marvel film, what do you do?

A) Call them an idiot who didn’t understand it then spend hours constructing an elaborate defence drawing on obscure comics from 1988 and bullshit fan theories that goes into more detail than the average PhD.

B) I’ve got this thing called ‘real life’ going on that tends to overshadow the precise time-bending abilities of Dr Strange.

If you had a criticism of superhero films, what would it be?

A) They don’t go on long enough. Seven hours would be ideal.

B) I’d quite like to see one where every single problem isn’t addressed by battering the fuck out of each other.

What did you think of Christopher Nolan’s Batman films?

A) They took the character of Batman to a new level of dark, brooding complexity.

B) They were slightly undermined by the fact that he’s dressed as a fucking bat.

Mostly As. You are a paid-up fanboy. We’d suggest broadening your horizons but you’re probably too busy telling people Suicide Squad is a misunderstood work of genius.

Mostly Bs. You have a discerning take on superhero movies but tough shit, you’ll end up watching them all anyway.

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Man comes out amazingly well from own anecdote once again

A 28-YEAR-OLD man has emerged as the wry, ballsy hero of his own story yet again.

Administrator Tom Logan told colleagues about an altercation with a motorcyclist in which he came close to punching the man but, as ever, had the self-control not to.

Co-worker Emma Bradford said: “It’s amazing, really. He comes out of these situations cool as a cucumber. I’d be a nervous wreck but I suppose Tom’s used to it because it happens practically every day.

“He was really brave to stand up to that burly motorcyclist. Then saying ‘Don’t come out without your stabilisers next time, mate’ is a brilliant quip to think up on the spot.

“Tom’s wasted as a low-ranking member of the civil service who lives with his parents. He should be in the SAS or something. Actually James Bond would be more like it.”

Logan’s anecdotes regularly combine the skills of a hostage negotiator, stand-up comedian and martial arts expert, but sadly have not yet been witnessed by anyone he knows.

Logan said: “You should have seen the time I talked down a guy who was going mental in Tesco. They offered to put me forward for a bravery award but I didn’t want the attention.”