Is everything terrible or are you just a massive f**king drama queen?

ARE the events of your life an unending nightmare or are you just a deeply annoying drama queen? Take our quiz and find out!

Someone ate the last of the Magnum Minis in the freezer. Do you:

A) Cheerfully decide a walk to the shop to get more will burn off the calories of a Double Cherry Truffle anyway.

B) Make everyone in your house feel as if they’ve committed a terrible act of treachery, as bad as an affair or secretly calling you ‘the Wanker’ behind your back for years.

The ludicrous amount of stuff you’re packing for a weekend break won’t fit in your suitcase. Do you:

A) Just take some things out because those six pairs of jeans probably aren’t critical.

B) Start crying and keep crying as if your entire family, dog, hamster, favourite band and popular good-natured British actor Colin Firth have all just died horribly.

Your broadband speed has slowed again and made Netflix buffer. What do you do?

A) Take the opportunity to stop watching TV all the time and maybe have sex with your partner.

B) Start a house witch hunt for the person taking all the bandwidth, accusing them of extreme selfishness for using their computer.

Your commute takes 30 minutes longer than expected. Do you:

A) Take the time to people-watch and play a game of ‘guess their personal perversion’.

B) Keep droning on about it to your family and colleagues until you see the will to live drain from their eyes.  

Your child did not get into the school you wanted. Do you:

A) Remember that they’re quite thick and none of it will really make a difference.

B) Move house, become a devout Catholic or start telling your partner one of you should sell an organ to get them into private education.

Mostly As. You are not a dreadful drama queen. However you are missing out on attention. Practise doing things like screaming “FUCK!” when you can’t find a biro that works.

Mostly Bs. It’s actually you who is the problem, as you should have learned from that angry policeman when you called 999 because Yahoo! mail was down for 20 minutes.


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Missing cat actually on four-day bender

A CAT thought to be missing has actually just been pissing it up with his mates for the last four days.

Tabby Martin Bishop was last seen in his owners’ garden before disappearing over the back wall for a mental drinking session starting at the local cat pub.

Bishop said: “It was Saturday night so I fancied a few bevvies with my mates. Unfortunately we went back to Jeff’s and he got the whisky out and that’s where it all went a bit Pete Tong.

“I came to in the early hours of Monday in a part of town I didn’t recognise the smell of, although my nose may have been fucked because I remember doing loads of lines of catnip.

“Me and Gav decided to give it a couple of hours until the cat Wetherspoons opened. I thought a few bowls of milk would sort me out but we got onto the cheap lager then suddenly it’s Wednesday morning.”

Bishop’s owner Nikki Hollis said: “We were so worried. We thought he’d been run over or a fox had got him, but now it turns out he’s got a binge-drinking problem.”

Bishop retorted: “They had my bollocks cut off and they wonder why I drink.”