Wetherspoon-McDonald's strike 'will vastly improve Britain'

A THREATENED joint Wetherspoon-McDonald’s strike could make the UK a decent place to live, experts have warned.

Sociologists believe industrial action by staff at the bottom-feeding chains could revitalise the high street, reduce alcoholism and tackle Britain’s obesity crisis.

Dr Helen Archer said: “The twin pillars that broken Britain is built on are cheap booze and greasy, horrible food. Take those away and our dystopia collapses into something altogether more pleasant.

“Without a shit pub in every town in the land, daytime drinkers will get jobs for something to do. Without a McDonald’s to inflate our children like balloons, society will become steadily healthier.

“Pressure on the NHS will fall. The EU, recognising that we no longer have pubs full of red-faced men talking bollocks about it, will give us a favourable deal on our terms.

“These noble strikers will make us a green and pleasant land once again. They are Britain’s heroes, like Sir Galahad but with deep fat fryers instead of swords.”

Wetherspoons chef Wayne Hayes said: “Yeah. However that all depends on me not getting an extra 20p an hour.”

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Public urged to let Bert and Ernie come out in their own time

THE public has been told to stop pressuring Bert and Ernie to come out as gay before they are ready.

After fresh speculation about their sexuality, the makers of Sesame Street have asked everyone to respect the privacy of the clearly gay Muppet couple.

A spokesman said: “Bert and Ernie are from a different generation and it may take them a bit more time to realise their love will be accepted and celebrated.

“In the 1970s gay Muppets faced appalling prejudice. I’ll never forget the time Fozzie Bear got drunk and called Bert a ‘fag’ to his face. Ernie laid him out with one punch. It was a horrible incident.

“So will everyone stop trying to ‘out’ them and just go along with the story they tell their families that they’re just ‘best friends and roommates’.”

Bert said: “I’ve no idea why these rumours are so persistent when we’re just two male puppets who’ve lived together their entire lives and are constantly touching and cuddling.”

Ernie added: “We’re not in denial. Just because we have passionate Muppet sex every night doesn’t mean we’re gay.”