The Waitrose shopper's guide to poor people's supermarkets

BUDGET supermarkets offer wonderful bargains, but how can a refined Waitrose shopper like you survive the whole ghastly experience? Read our guide.

Disguise yourself as a common person

A tracksuit is ideal to avoid drawing attention to yourself. Also blend in by using coarse working-class language, eg. “Blimey guvnah, where’s the ruddy fucking clingfilm?”

‘Hoodies’ (a type of plebeian hooded sports garment) are particularly useful to hide your face if Petra and Toby from the tennis club are there doing the same thing.

Be prepared for the frightful mess

Poor people’s supermarkets sometimes display their goods in a scruffy, haphazard way. Try to imagine you’re visiting a culturally enriching Third World street market during a luxury holiday.

Take a weapon to protect against footpads

The lower orders are genetically inclined to criminality and may attempt to rob you of your purse, Ugg boots or remarkably cheap wild boar pate. Take a weapon, perhaps a squash racquet or ideally a blunderbuss loaded with washers and screws.

Do not be tempted by working-class items

Stay focused on quality items such as smoked salmon and do not be drawn to Pot Noodles or Angel Delight. They may appear delightfully ironic or nostalgic, but when you get them home you’ll realise they are actually pretty horrible.

Worse still, you could develop an addiction to an abomination like ‘Cheestrings’, at which point you may as well return your Waitrose loyalty card and become a council road sweeper.

Keep the Volvo’s engine running

If you’re ‘rumbled’ the peasant horde may attempt to abduct you for ransom, or possibly food. Have a friend or partner waiting in the Volvo ready to hare off when you shout “GO GO GO, TRISTRAM!”.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Bridesmaid pushing bride to be a nightmare so it'll go viral

A BRIDESMAID is subtly pushing her friend to make more and more unreasonable wedding demands so her post about them will go viral. 

Carolyn Ryan only agreed to be Francesca Johnson’s chief bridesmaid so her Bridezilla posts would build her profile, but is disappointed with how reasonable her friend is being.

Ryan said: “The band she’d booked pulled out, and she just booked another one? That’s not boosting my Instagram. I need tantrums.

“So I’ve booked her fiancee in a Sofia lapdancing club, cancelled her cake, and every time we get together I make her watch another Kardashian wedding and whisper ‘You deserve that.’

“There are promising signs – she gave a florist a hardcore bollocking yesterday – but we’re still some way from the full-on frothing insanity that gets a Facebook post in Mail Online. She needs to up her game.

“So I’ve sent an email from her account banning all family from the ceremony unless they give her a grand in cash each. That should be at least a start.”

Bride Johnson said: “I’m waiting until Carolyn’s paid £300 for her dress, then I’m changing them all to peach. That should get me a freakout I can monetise on YouTube.”