BUDGET supermarkets offer wonderful bargains, but how can a refined Waitrose shopper like you survive the whole ghastly experience? Read our guide.
Disguise yourself as a common person
A tracksuit is ideal to avoid drawing attention to yourself. Also blend in by using coarse working-class language, eg. “Blimey guvnah, where’s the ruddy fucking clingfilm?”
‘Hoodies’ (a type of plebeian hooded sports garment) are particularly useful to hide your face if Petra and Toby from the tennis club are there doing the same thing.
Be prepared for the frightful mess
Poor people’s supermarkets sometimes display their goods in a scruffy, haphazard way. Try to imagine you’re visiting a culturally enriching Third World street market during a luxury holiday.
Take a weapon to protect against footpads
The lower orders are genetically inclined to criminality and may attempt to rob you of your purse, Ugg boots or remarkably cheap wild boar pate. Take a weapon, perhaps a squash racquet or ideally a blunderbuss loaded with washers and screws.
Do not be tempted by working-class items
Stay focused on quality items such as smoked salmon and do not be drawn to Pot Noodles or Angel Delight. They may appear delightfully ironic or nostalgic, but when you get them home you’ll realise they are actually pretty horrible.
Worse still, you could develop an addiction to an abomination like ‘Cheestrings’, at which point you may as well return your Waitrose loyalty card and become a council road sweeper.
Keep the Volvo’s engine running
If you’re ‘rumbled’ the peasant horde may attempt to abduct you for ransom, or possibly food. Have a friend or partner waiting in the Volvo ready to hare off when you shout “GO GO GO, TRISTRAM!”.