Are you middle-aged enough to get a shout out on Radio 2?

YOU’RE well past 40, living a cosy domestic life and exclusively listening to music that doesn’t challenge you. But can you get a shout out on Radio 2?

What are you doing at the moment? 

A) Painting the skirting boards with him indoors
B) Dusting the guest bedroom with the fam
C) Hoovering the loft with my labradoodle Bobby

How do you refer to your partner? 

A) My wonderful hubby
B) My better half
C) The light of my life

How do you refer to your children? 

A) Jasper, who’s six, and four-year-old Martha are a pair of little scamps but I wouldn’t be without them for the world
B) Ten-year-old Tom and Agatha who’s three years younger certainly keep me busy!
C) I’m a full-time cleaner, cook and entertainments manager for two boys, Josh who’s five and Jordan who’s seven

What are you looking forward to later on? 

A) A glass of red in front of Springwatch
B) A gin and tonic while watching The Great British Bake-Off
C) A white wine spritzer on the settee while we catch up on Line of Duty

What song have you requested? 

A) Don’t Stop Movin’ by S-Club 7 because it reminds me of my younger days
B) Babe by Take That because it takes me back when I saw them with the girls in Manchester
C) When You Say Nothing At All by Ronan Keating because it’s our special song from when we were courting


Mostly As: Congratulations! Your shout-out has been read out on air by Zoe Ball.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations! Your shout-out has been read out on air by Sara Cox.

Mostly Cs: Congratulations! Your shout-out has been read out on air by Jo Whiley.

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Which lockdown habit will you find hardest to quit?

WINTER is behind us and the end of lockdown is apparently in sight. But which of your new mole-person habits will you struggle to leave behind? 

A wine box a day

At first you drank because you were afraid. Then you drank because you were bored. Now you drink because you exist. You stopped bothering with wine glasses in November, preferring to stab a straw into the top like a giant juice box. And you’ve not got Covid so it’s obviously the elixir that cures all ills. Why would you ever stop?

Never seeing your parents

You had no idea what a trial those monthly visits to the old people, nodding along to their inane opinions on everything from Brexit to the correct way to remove a sock, were until they’d gone. In that way lockdown’s been a blessed release from their exhausting drivel. A fortnightly Zoom, mostly spent discussing how to turn mute off, is too addictive to quit.

Growing marijuana

At this point anyone who claims not to be running a secret weed farm is either Chief Constable of Bedfordshire police, a liar or both. Our unreliable dealers have forced us to become self-sufficient just as Brexiters wanted us to and every spare inch of our homes is a hydroponic hideaway. It would be a shame to go outside and contribute to society instead.

Marathon wanking

Manufacturers of sex toys have reported record sales, and they’re not being bought to put on shelves in the background of Zoom calls. But a five-times-a-day habit isn’t compatible with the outside world, so you’ll soon have to make a choice. It’s not going to be the outside world, is it? Not sexy enough.

Growing your toenails

No one can remember who started the bet to see who could grow the longest lockdown toenails – maybe Gal Gadot? But twelve months in, the easing of restrictions cannot end something as grotesquely boastful as what’s occurring on your feet. You must not fail the challenge. Step into flip-flops and swagger like the winner you are.