Knobhead writes poem about discarded mask he saw

AN insufferable twat has written a moving poem about a discarded facemask he saw lying in the street.

Ryan Whittaker, self-appointed poet laureate of Mansfield, noticed the single-use blue facemask on the pavement and found it so poignant he was compelled to immortalise it in the medium of verse.

He continued: “Inspiration can come from anywhere. For Wordsworth it was daffodils. For Sylvia Plath, it was her Nazi dad. For me it was this lonely, abandoned mask.

“I don’t want to spoil it for you, but needless to say it focuses on themes of decay, destruction and plague, and it’s five pages long. I also swear in it, because my poetry is harsh like the streets.

“It’s a high-brow affair. I invoke John Milton. I took absolutely ages finding a rhyme for ‘one-use chastity belt’, but I got there when I imagined remembering I’d seen a ‘half-eaten tuna melt’ in a nearby bin.”

Tom, who hopes to perform the poem on Newsnight or failing that on social media, believes his magnum opus has the potential to enact real societal change.

He said: “I think this could unite the nation, like Captain Tom. The last line – ‘once our protector, but now just litter’ will blow people’s minds.”

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The Queen breeds corgis for meat, and other wild revelations from the Meghan and Harry interview

THE DUKE and Duchess of Sussex’s Oprah interview threatens to rip the Royals apart. Here are five shocking revelations from it: 

The Queen breeds corgis for meat

Harry reveals that his grandmother breeds corgis, releases them, hunts them, eats them and has their skins sewn into slankets, which she wears while watching Pointless. He also believes that Balmoral is where she has created genetically modified mega-corgis the size of cattle which taste great in a burger.

Charles is allergic to Wales

Despite being the Prince of Wales, Charles has never set foot in the country. Harry lets slip that his father is actually allergic to the country because of its high levels of deprivation, and apparent visits have been faked using greenscreen, CGI and matte paintings. Meghan nods along to Harry’s story, adding that Charles is ‘afraid of dragons’.

Meghan was blocked from starring in A Star Is Born

Meghan admits that she had to turn down lead roles in A Star Is Born, The Shape of Water, The Favourite and Avengers: Endgame because the Queen did not like them. Instead, she was encouraged to perform in little plays for Her Majesty who sat there unsmiling and uninterested like she always does.

Princess Anne has five clones

In an experimental procedure to create back-up Royals, Princess Anne was cloned five times, which explains why she works five times harder than all the other Royals. She has never actually ridden a horse, leaving that to #4, but said her appearance at the 1976 Olympics was ‘terribly fun to watch’.

William and Kate are swingers

While Prince William has said that he wants to mend ties with his brother, Harry apparently has no such intentions, with the younger brother very publicly revealing that the much-beloved couple treat British high society ‘like one big seventies key party – with bell bottoms and shag carpets very much included’.