Monday, 19th April 2021

Knobhead writes poem about discarded mask he saw

AN insufferable twat has written a moving poem about a discarded facemask he saw lying in the street.

Ryan Whittaker, self-appointed poet laureate of Mansfield, noticed the single-use blue facemask on the pavement and found it so poignant he was compelled to immortalise it in the medium of verse.

He continued: “Inspiration can come from anywhere. For Wordsworth it was daffodils. For Sylvia Plath, it was her Nazi dad. For me it was this lonely, abandoned mask.

“I don’t want to spoil it for you, but needless to say it focuses on themes of decay, destruction and plague, and it’s five pages long. I also swear in it, because my poetry is harsh like the streets.

“It’s a high-brow affair. I invoke John Milton. I took absolutely ages finding a rhyme for ‘one-use chastity belt’, but I got there when I imagined remembering I’d seen a ‘half-eaten tuna melt’ in a nearby bin.”

Tom, who hopes to perform the poem on Newsnight or failing that on social media, believes his magnum opus has the potential to enact real societal change.

He said: “I think this could unite the nation, like Captain Tom. The last line – ‘once our protector, but now just litter’ will blow people’s minds.”