Sunday, 8th December 2019

Are you tediously wholesome enough to be a Bake Off contestant?

THE new Bake Off contestants look so pleasant and well-adjusted you're probably feeling a bit nauseous already. But are you annoyingly nice enough to get on the show? Read our checklist.

Do you have a childlike love of baking?

Whilst baking is ‘nice’, it’s not a pursuit any right thinking adult should indulge in and people who like it may be regressing into a childlike state. So if you’re a fully-grown human who squeals like an idiot at the sight of a fairy cake or collects stuffed giraffes or whatever, definitely apply. 

Have you got a comforting regional accent?

Everyone on Bake Off has a voice like Mrs Goggins from Postman Pat, or some other similarly soothing accent. However Fred West probably sounded quite nice on the phone so to be honest that doesn’t prove anything.

Do you have a signature ‘look’?

A lot of Bake Off contestants have a look that singles them out. Essentially what you’re aiming for is a bit trendy or slightly different but totally non-threatening. Invest in a large collection of Hawaiian shirts and ‘fun’ glasses, or a tiny tattoo somewhere no one can see it.

Are there pictures of you doing wholesome things on social media? 

Vital to get on the show. In preparation for Bake Off 2020, start a punishing regime of spending every free moment taking selfies of yourself stroking a llama at a petting zoo or looking insanely happy about a Victoria sponge.