Are you tediously wholesome enough to be a Bake Off contestant?

THE new Bake Off contestants look so pleasant and well-adjusted you’re probably feeling a bit nauseous already. But are you annoyingly nice enough to get on the show? Read our checklist.

Do you have a childlike love of baking?

Whilst baking is ‘nice’, it’s not a pursuit any right thinking adult should indulge in and people who like it may be regressing into a childlike state. So if you’re a fully-grown human who squeals like an idiot at the sight of a fairy cake or collects stuffed giraffes or whatever, definitely apply. 

Have you got a comforting regional accent?

Everyone on Bake Off has a voice like Mrs Goggins from Postman Pat, or some other similarly soothing accent. However Fred West probably sounded quite nice on the phone so to be honest that doesn’t prove anything.

Do you have a signature ‘look’?

A lot of Bake Off contestants have a look that singles them out. Essentially what you’re aiming for is a bit trendy or slightly different but totally non-threatening. Invest in a large collection of Hawaiian shirts and ‘fun’ glasses, or a tiny tattoo somewhere no one can see it.

Are there pictures of you doing wholesome things on social media? 

Vital to get on the show. In preparation for Bake Off 2020, start a punishing regime of spending every free moment taking selfies of yourself stroking a llama at a petting zoo or looking insanely happy about a Victoria sponge.


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Boyfriend thinking of doing stand-up comedy instantly 85% less attractive

THE girlfriend of a man who believes he is funny enough to be a stand-up comedian is considering terminating the relationship immediately.

Martin Bishop floated the idea to Joanna Kramer after making a vaguely witty comment in the pub that amused several friends and which he then repeated all night.

Kramer said: “It was a sh*t joke but his mates were wasted enough to laugh and the guy in the kebab shop sort of chuckled politely at it, so now he thinks he’s Michael f*cking McIntyre. 

“He’s started doing terrible observational monologues about cleaning his teeth and eating cheese which make me want to punch him in the face. So he’s like a professional stand-up in that respect.

“This morning he said ‘Have you ever noticed there’s always a bit of toothpaste stuck to the sink?’. I wondered what the f*ck he was on about, then I realised he was doing stand-up on me.

“In the unlikely event he succeeds as a comedian he’ll just become a w*nker egomaniac and dump me for a TV researcher. Therefore it makes total sense to cut my losses now and avoid loads of excruciating ‘open mic’ gigs.”

Bishop said: “Have you ever noticed how cats really clean their a*seholes but never bother with their tails? No? Hang on, I’ve got some other material I’ve been working on.”