Arts Council to focus on pornography

FUNDING for the arts will be targeted at the highly profitable market for hard-core erotica.

Culture secretary Maria Miller stressed that subsidy for the arts must be based on sound economics and called for more publicly-funded close-ups of intercoursing genitalia.

She said: “Taxpayers need to know their money is not being frittered away on a weird statue, or a short film about an old man who used to do a thing.

“Who wants to watch that – apart from some hipster arsehole with too much time on his hands?”

She added: “I spoke to people in the pornographic cinema industry and they told me they were all very rich indeed. They assured me that films about two, or more, people having hard, crazy sex were cheap to produce and more popular than cheese.”

Suggesting that subsidised British pornography could be at the ‘quality end of the spectrum’, Miller said: “Emmanuelle 2 was very tasteful with some lovely cinematography. It wasn’t just some slap-dash fuck-fest.”

A spokesman for the Arts Council said: “Perhaps in the background we could have someone holding up a painting by a young British artist?”

Miller also insisted that a thriving culture could enhance Britain’s diplomatic efforts by projecting something called ‘soft power’.

She added: “It sounds filthy, doesn’t it?”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
When sending back wine for being lacklustre or corked, ignore the waiter’s protests that he’s ‘actually a priest’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This weekend you will go on a stag night with a load of mathematicians. They will hire a Möbius stripper and every time she gets nude she will get dressed again.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
I could tell you your horoscope but I’d have to kill you. Well, not ‘have’, more ‘want’. And I’ve actually nothing to tell you. So in summary, I want to kill you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you’ll be asked to name a dead rapper that weighed under 300 pounds. No Biggie.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your diet is based on whatever’s going out of date in the cupboard so breakfast this morning is Weetabix & cough syrup.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After being forced to listen to it all day in the office for the last three years, you decide that Capital FM should replace the ‘FM’ with ‘punishment’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your mate’s flat is like the Tardis. Not bigger on the inside than outside, but he’s a weird eccentric bloke who somehow coaxes a series of attractive young women into his living quarters.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s a difficult job telling people on the internet that they’re wrong to be concerned about (situation x) because (situation y) is more serious but somebody has to do it. Oh no, that’s right, they don’t.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Money money money, must be funny, in a rich man’s world. Especially when they set light to a £50 note in front of a tramp’s face.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Mars enters your astrological house this week and asks if you’ve got the last episode of ‘Broadchurch’ on Sky+.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The weather is becoming warm enough to spend pleasant afternoons in the beer garden, as you call the mountain of discarded Skol Super tins at the back of your bedsit.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Choose your favourite novel. Go to page 67. The third sentence along is what will happen to you this week.