NEW technology will allow companies to check whether workers have traces of humanity in their system.
Industry leaders say it is vital for performance that workers are automata concerned only with money and the occasional charity fun run.
The Hu-Meter analyses employees’ sweat for traces of hope, empathy and imagination – attributes commonly associated with having a soul.
The presence of any of these attributes associated with being a human will trigger a single ominous bleep that means they should start putting their stuff in a box.
Inventor Tom Booker said: “Some employees cling to the archaic idea that they get paid to do a job for a certain number of hours per week, and that the time outside of that is somehow ‘theirs’. How quaint.
“All corporate employers agree that the only acceptable leisure activities are going to the gym and assembling flat pack furniture.”
Employees testing positive for traces of a soul may be permitted to watch ITV2 for protracted periods until they are no longer capable of joy.