Workers to be tested for traces of a soul

NEW technology will allow companies to check whether workers have traces of humanity in their system.

Industry leaders say it is vital for performance that workers are automata concerned only with money and the occasional charity fun run.

The Hu-Meter analyses employees’ sweat for traces of hope, empathy and imagination – attributes commonly associated with having a soul.

The presence of any of these attributes associated with being a human will trigger a single ominous bleep that means they should start putting their stuff in a box.

Inventor Tom Booker said: “Some employees cling to the archaic idea that they get paid to do a job for a certain number of hours per week, and that the time outside of that is somehow ‘theirs’. How quaint.

“All corporate employers agree that the only acceptable leisure activities are going to the gym and assembling flat pack furniture.”

Employees testing positive for traces of a soul may be permitted to watch ITV2 for protracted periods until they are no longer capable of joy.

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'Stacked bungalows' to solve housing shortage

MORE one-bedroom houses are to be built, in the form of stacked bungalows.

Benefits changes have created a demand for one-bedroom housing that feels less dystopian than towering blocks of flats.

A government spokesman said: “The bungalows will be built from nubbed plastic bricks that lock together, then put on top of each other.

“Bungalows are statistically proven to feel safer than flats, ‘bungalow’ even sounds like the name of a friendly hippo.

“Flats can have that kind of ‘concrete tomb’ feel while bungalows are more suburban, and tenants can call them cute things based on their Christian names mashed together, like ‘Briviolet’ or ‘Noralan’.

“Each home will have its own retractable ladder, like in a kids’ book where people live in trees.”

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford said: “My husband passed away last month and I’ve been offered a penthouse bungalow.

“It’s good because I owe the milkman some money and he will have no way of reaching me.