Hair malnourishment reaching crisis levels

ONE in three people are going without basic pro-Fructinol F5 nutrients for their hair, say researchers.

As economic turmoil continues, many parents are having to decide between giving their children a shea butter deep condition of an evening or having one themselves.

Stylist Stephen Malley said: “We’re chasing people away from the bins at the back of the salon of a night because they scavenge for leftover bits of Mangonol-X root food.

“At first I thought it was foxes but then I realised they’d need a creamier treatment to deal with their ginger hair.”

Britain now has more shampoo banks than 1946, when rationing meant many were reduced to washing their hair with soil and V2 fragments. Volunteers are asking people to donate free samples from magazines and leftover bottles from panic-bought gift baskets.

Headmistress Nikki Hollis said: “Many of my pupils will go to bed tonight not knowing where their next olive oil elixir treatment will come from.”

However welfare minister Iain Duncan Smith has defended the new government scheme of vouchers that can only be redeemed in Toni & Guy.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Crack Day ‘less chilled’ than Weed Day

NATIONAL Crack Day was a less relaxing experience than National Weed Day, it has been claimed.

Crack Day revellers in Hyde Park said the day lacked a ‘mellow vibe’ due to high levels of crime, violence and personal degradation.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Crack Day was fun for the first 15 minutes, but then I realised I desperately needed more crack and was prepared to do anything to get it.

“Before long I’d emptied my bank account, but fortunately my girlfriend was there so I was able to mug her and take her purse.

“Then I stole my mum’s car and sold it for £20, shoplifted some meat from Tesco and gave a blow job to a dealer in a filthy crack house full of needles and dog poo.

“Overall not a great day out.”

Student Nikki Hollis said: “I made a load of crack brownies for my friends, but I think I might have put too much in because Lucy started screaming about praying mantises living in her legs.

“Then Emma said Annabel had stolen the last brownie and stabbed her in the thigh with a kitchen knife, which was terrible because we’ve all booked a holiday in Crete.”

Various Crack Day events took place across the country, including a mass shoot-out between crack vendors in Nottingham.

36-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “On Crack Day I did two burglaries and a street robbery. I’m just hoping my boss doesn’t find out, because I’m a policeman.”