Aspiring GB News presenter disappointed she will first have to intern as Cabinet minister

AN Oxford graduate hoping to present on GB News is disappointed to learn she will first have to perform an entry-level role as a Cabinet minister.

Grace Wood-Morris, aged 22, who has a first-class PPE degree, applied to the broadcaster but was advised they only accept candidates who have served in at least one failed Conservative administration.

She said: “I knew I’d have to work my way up; maybe doing photocopying or taking Eamonn Holmes’s Krispy Kreme order. But to be told I’ll have to manage a ministerial portfolio is just demeaning.

“Admittedly it won’t be hard to get appointed given the competition, but do I really want to spend six months rubbing shoulders with the likes of Shapps and Jenrick?

“I’m young, I’m attractive, I should be yelling into cameras about wokeness ruining our Santa’s Grottoes, but instead I’ll be boxed in with a load of doomed losers hoping it doesn’t rub off.

“And it’s practically unpaid at about £150k a year. Peanuts compared to what you can earn shouting about trans Palestinians arriving in small boats or 15-minute cities causing cancer.

“I guess I’ll have to plaster on a fake smile and get through it. Maybe I can go so extreme right-wing I get fired. It’s worked for Suella.” 

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TV show basis for conversation, girlfriend believes

A GIRLFRIEND is confident that TV programmes only provide the basis for a long ongoing conversation while they continue in the background. 

Sophie Rodriguez thinks carefully-written scripts and beautifully-shot action only exist to remind her of something else entirely, which she can then proceed to talk about at length to her frustrated partner.

She said: “We’re only five minutes into this Netflix series my boyfriend has been dying to watch for months, and already I’m pointing out how the lead character’s internal struggle is just like all the drama at work about the new office chairs.

“I could wait until the episode is over to mention it, but what if I forget? Instead I’ll fill him in on the long, meandering details right now, while it’s fresh in my mind from seeing that office chair in the background. Otherwise he might not be able to concentrate on what I’m saying.

“I’m sure he’d much rather hear about my petty squabbles than focus on this show with snappy dialogue, car chases, and Lea Seydoux nude scenes. After all my story really happened, whereas this show everyone’s raving about is make-believe.

“He can rewind once I’m done if he wants, but it’ll only be five minutes until there’s another scene which reminds me of a pressing anecdote I need to recount. It’s the best part of the whole programme.”

Boyfriend Tom Logan said: “I’ll wait until Love Island is back on then start telling her about a fit bird I used to go out with. See how she likes it.”