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Married couple trying for threesome

A MARRIED couple have announced they are ready to take the next step to a threesome.

Julian and Charlotte Cook have informed friends and family that, two years after marriage, they feel ready to invite a third party into their bedroom for a night of no-holds-barred erotic play and interested parties should put themselves forward.

Julian said: “It’s a big decision for us but we’ve talked it through and we’re convinced we’re ready. Now we’re just waiting for the right unicorn.

“We’re secure in ourselves as a couple and have so much love to give that it feels selfish to keep it to ourselves when it can be shared with another, aged 25 to 35, female, please provide nudes in advance.

“Yes, we’ve heard all the horror stories – sleepless nights with your wife jaw-deep in a stranger’s fanny, going to work bone-tired from satisfying two women simultaneously, jealousy – but the glow of contentment will make it all worthwhile.”

Charlotte agreed: “We knew we wanted this ever since our very first date. We know it’ll be life-changing but ultimately so, so rewarding to open ourselves to new horizons of love. Who’s interested?”

Friend Lucy Parry said: “I don’t think I’ll be seeing much of Jules and Charlie anymore. This is worse than if they’d had children.”

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'They should teach kids about tax at school,' says man who would have spent whole lesson drawing dicks

A MAN who spent his school days drawing penises on textbooks believes children would benefit from being taught about Britain’s tax system.

Wayne Hayes reckons the national curriculum should include lessons on money management and basic economics, conveniently forgetting that he wasted time in classes by doodling crude representations of male genitalia.

He said: “You get taught loads of pointless shit in school like trigonometry and how many wives Henry VIII had. Unless you go to university or pub quizzes, you don’t need to know that stuff.

“Kids would be better off being taught about taxes instead. Yes, I would have been bored senseless by it and spent my time drawing dozens of dicks in my jotter, but maybe some valuable information will slip through subconsciously.

“Teachers could even liven it up by covering offshore accounts and Al Capone. Youngsters these days are all about the hustle and grind, so they’ll love to hear how they can make their TikTok fortunes go further like a gangster or Jacob Rees-Mogg.

“Failing that, children could look at my latest pay cheque and get a taste of the misery that awaits them. That should jolt them into taking it all in.”

He added: “Drawing the three little spunk droplets was always my favourite bit.”

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