Woman not going out until March

A WOMAN has confirmed that she is not leaving her home until March and that nothing and nobody can stop her.

Eleanor Shaw, aged 29, works from home, gets groceries delivered and can see no impediment to remaining in her two-bedroom flat for the next four months until the weather is less oppressive.

She said: “Previous generations had no choice but to leave the house. I do, so I’m not going to.

“The outdoors is cold, dark, nasty and only going to get worse. Inside it’s warm, cosy and has a plethora of entertainment options all easily accessed by sitting on my arse. What’s my incentive?

“I can stay fit on the Peleton, I can chat with friends on social media, there’s a literally inexhaustible supply of pornography if I get horny. Worst case scenario I can get a bloke in from Tinder, they do home visits.

“The whole of human history has been driven by the desire to get inside out of the pissing rain with lots to eat and do. Now that’s within our grasp. It would be slapping our forebears in the face not to live the life they dreamed of.

“I will emerge in March to the kiss of the spring sunlight and a better world. Christmas? They can come to me if they want and if they don’t, f**k them.”

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Randomly start a fight while ordering: the proper etiquette for buying a kebab at 3am while blind drunk

STAGGERING to the kebab shop after a night’s heavy drinking, pausing only to urinate in an alleyway? Remember to mind your manners and follow these protocols: 

Select your kebab with incomprehensible words

One does not order a kebab at 3am after a night on the lash with a clear or articulate vocabulary. Doing so would only highlight how out of place you are amongst the other clientele. Instead, you should use a series of slurred, guttural moans, interspersed with grunts that sound like you know the staff on a personal level. Even better, just point at what you want. 

Randomly start a fight while ordering

Purchasing a wrap of shredded meat is only part of why people go to kebab shops after a night out. Just as ladies of high society would go to balls to be seen in years gone by, pissheads head to takeaways for the delightful pastime of starting on someone who looked at them funny. Plus it kills some time while you wait for the chef to prepare your order.

Get briefly mesmerised by the skewer

The slowly rotating skewer of kebab meat is there to be marvelled, so pay it the respect it deserves and become momentarily transfixed by it. Failing to be impressed by its uneven flesh flanked by glowing heating grills gives the impression that you’re too good for its charms, and will make your gracious hosts feel uneasy. A good eight-second gawp will suffice.

Clumsily pay by waving your debit card around

Cash is woefully out of date. Plus they likely don’t take it anyway and it’s too fiddly for your drunken hands. The proper way to pay is to take your debit card out of your wallet and flail it around near the counter. With any luck you’ll hear a few beeps and the unseemly hassle of a financial transaction will be dealt with smoothly.

Promptly drop your kebab in the road

Having successfully purchased your kebab, all that’s left to do is send it flying into the road. You can do this by throwing it, but if you’re drunk enough then gravity will do all the hard work for you as you stumble out the door and slip over. You may now tuck in by greedily scooping the kebab into your mouth from the tarmac.