Woman wearing bold lipstick sacrifices drinking fluids

A WOMAN wearing a brightly-coloured lipstick has given up drinking fluids so as not to ruin it, it has emerged.

Emma Bradford has turned her back on the basic human requirement of drinking liquids because it threatens to smudge her new statement lipstick from Boots which she spent a fortune on.

She said: “Not only is this lipstick daring, cool and empowering, it’s also taken over my whole life and started giving me dehydration headaches. I love it.

“Whenever I reach for a cup of tea or a glass of water I have to slap my hand away for fear of exposing my regular lips, which look dull in comparison and are mysteriously all dry and crusty.

“Even drinking through a straw would threaten to wear the lipstick away and leave me looking ridiculous. No, slowly dying of thirst like my houseplants is the much more sensible course of action. Plus I don’t have to waste precious time going for a piss anymore.”

Friend Joshua Hudson said: “Emma went in to kiss me the other day then backed out at the last moment. She said things were moving too fast but I know it’s because of that f**king lipstick.”

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November Rain: six seasonal songs written in the vague hope of annual royalties

BEING a musician isn’t all about learning chords and being able to sing. You also need to find untapped lucrative seasonal events to rinse, like these:

Guns N’ Roses: November Rain

The LA rockers hadn’t even exhausted their songs made exclusively for strip clubs before testing everyone’s patience with this headache-inducing power ballad. Originally a lucrative stop gap to please people who weren’t whiskey-soaked frat boys that loved their crap song for Terminator 2, its unwelcome repeated airplay has kept Slash looking like an uncle in fancy dress for decades. And his hat was all anyone liked about them anyway.

Simon & Garfunkel: April She Will Come

April did indeed become the cruellest month once the folk duo soundtracked it with sounds of gnomes dancing around a toadstool in the woods. Not only famous and royalty-winning after featuring in that film about a MILF, it’s also popular with pretentious twats claiming to love ’60s music while trying to woo girls called April. Still, it’s much shorter than The Sound of Silence which your dad insists on subjecting you to.

Bryan Adams: Summer Of ’69

Adams is lucky he scored this hit before we all associated him with medieval men in tights. Changing the title last minute also proved a devious ploy as he barely sings that actual line, yet it’s still guaranteed to turn any July wedding into a happy, horny dance floor. Especially for those ancient enough to remember Woodstock, who are the only people still buying his music and lining his pockets.

Kid Rock: All Summer Long

Spawning his own annoying summer anthem wasn’t enough for Kid Rock. No, he had to mash together three better songs and ruin them all in the process. Even now, you can’t listen to Sweet Home Alabama without hearing him sing about how he didn’t have no internet while being caught between being a boy and man. You hope he’s really proud and it made him millions.

Earth, Wind, and Fire: September

The funk and soul group were smart songwriters, and even smarter for marking their own unofficial holiday. While the band smiles and dances all the way to the bank, the rest of the world is brainwashed into hearing popping bass and vibrant strings on an annual basis. The song’s even more famous than the natural winter solstice, which is messed up.

Mariah Carey: All I Want For Christmas Is You

Christmas songs were nothing new by the time this one was recorded. But even Mariah Carey could not have known this track would go on to become the yearly harbinger of the festive season. At most she might have hoped to cash in on it for a couple of years, but now look at it. November and December will forever bring her more royalties than your career will in your lifetime. Merry Christmas.