Alexander Armstrong, and six other people your mum would rather you'd married

YOUR mother believes you need guidance in making the correct choices, including your poor judgment in choosing a spouse. Even though your husband is right there: 

Alexander Armstrong

A strange quiz show gremlin to the likes of you and me, a genius and superior marriage material to your mum. Imagine all the endless hours you could have spent together, hearing him rattle off useless trivia in between listening to tracks from his solo album. Plus he might’ve introduced you to Richard Osman.

Ben Fogle 

He’s a dishevelled upper class hunk who lived in the Hebrides and rowed the Atlantic like a proper man, what’s not to like? Plus he’s the author of a lovely book about Labradors which your husband was stupid enough to give her for Christmas four years ago. He essentially built himself a gallows.

Him from Countryfile who used to do The One Show

You know, that hunk who used to present Blue Peter. Farmhand type. He’s got Mr Darcy’s good looks and big strong arms that look like they could cradle a lost foal on a windswept moor. Not like your husband, who’s deathly allergic to cats. Why are you still with him again? Oh great, now he’s crying.

Mick Hucknall

You were only three when your mum first heard Stars by Simply Red, but even then the die was cast. Here was a polite young lad with the voice of an angel who clearly valued faithfulness and virtue as well as being the eternal boy next door; in other words, ideal marriage material. And you know he’s never going to cheat because, well, look at him.

Your ex-fiancé 

You left Paul because he was a cheating, deluded and pathologically dishonest piece of shit. Big mistake. Your mum hasn’t stopped gushing about how he once presented her with a (stolen) Andrea Bocelli CD and she never will. A sweet and charming gent but you were just too self-absorbed to see it.

Elon Musk

The world’s richest man was never going to go unnoticed by your mum. Sure, he destroyed Twitter and has a string of ex partners who seem to loathe him, but in her eyes he’s got his head screwed on straight. Plus he’s got ambitions like going to Mars, whereas your husband’s biggest goal is to clear out the garage in the next decade.

Boris Johnson

Bound to provoke revulsion from you, but your mum’s an ageing Tory who likes her bad boys. In her opinion all the horrendous stuff he did was Carrie’s fault anyway. What Boris really needs is a decent woman in his ear, plus you’d probably be health secretary by now if you shacked up with him, not still farting around as a GP.

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The teacher who left had a nervous breakdown, and other bullshit myths you believed at school

IF all the rumours you swallowed at school were true you’d have been living through the greatest soap opera ever. But they were all bollocks, like these:

A sixth former shagged a teacher

The best looking lad in Year 12 was always being kept behind by Miss Phipps the attractive young English teacher, and you all knew why: they were shagging. Truth was he was thick as shit and needed extra tuition. But he was hardly going to deny being thought studly enough to bang an older woman, was he?

A kid took LSD and jumped out of a window

Despite the fact that any educational institution in which such an illegal and dangerous event took place would likely have been shut down, you fearfully believed this tale and swore you’d never take drugs. Until you reached Year 11, when you found yourself smoking spliffs on the school field every lunchtime, to the extent that you failed your GCSEs.

That mysterious boy who only came for half a term died

You only saw him for about six weeks, no-one ever made friends with him, and then he just mysteriously vanished. Obvious, then, that he must have met a sudden and untimely death. The reality was, his parents managed to get him into a private school shortly after moving into the area, and he’s now a millionaire tech entrepreneur who remembers his single term at your shit secondary with a horrified shudder.

The teacher who left had a nervous breakdown

Your science teacher was very bad-tempered and seemed to be constantly teetering on the brink of a full-blown meltdown. After you had tormented her for a couple of years, she abruptly left, triggering the rumour that she had gone completely insane and been committed to some kind of institution. Truth was, she had delightedly landed a post at another school where all the kids weren’t thick as pig shit.

The canteen is haunted

A kid choked in the canteen and died, but it happened before your time, a real shame as all that drama would have been awesome. Sometimes on a chip, other times a slice of pizza, always with the added flourish about the dinner lady who tried in vain to save him by performing a tracheostomy with a butter knife. You could have asked older kids for confirmation, but another rumour was that if you even looked at someone from the year above you immediately got given a wedgie.