Average Masterchef contestant looks a decade older than they are

THE gruelling and horrible chef lifestyle has prematurely aged contestants on BBC Two’s Masterchef: The Professionals.

Health experts found that Masterchef contestants look on average a decade older than their years thanks to a combination of extreme stress, no natural light and loads of fags.

Doctor Mary Fisher said: “The average life expectancy of a chef is similar to that of a Dickensian orphan working in an explosives factory.

“The job is to stay up really late every night getting shouted at and burning yourself, which is why these talented 25-year-olds have the kind of eye-bags usually see on a retired coach driver.

“To put it in context, Marcus Wareing is 23 and Monica is only 19.”

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Energy companies getting advert ideas from shamanic drug sessions

SSE’S ape advert was inspired by peyote-fuelled sweat lodge rituals, it has emerged.

The power company’s weird  ‘wandering orangutan’ television advert was created after senior executives chewed hallucinogenic leaves while junior staff members beat out hypnotic rhythms on tribal drums.

An SSE source said: “Energy companies are deeply mystical places and our headquarters look like Inca temples. We are constantly tripping.

“You’ve seen the mental EDF adverts with the dancing turd thing? That character came out of a mescaline-fuelled vision quest.”

Scottish Power recently confirmed that its next ad campaign is going to be a sequel to Koyaanisqatsi, consisting of a three-hour sequence of cosmic imagery set to ambient music and making absolutely no reference to electricity or gas.