Bake-Off will last as long as the recession, says BBC

THE Great British Bake-Off will last as long as you need it to, the BBC has confirmed.

The Corporation assured a tense, angry Britain that while it toils in the midst of economic gloom it will provide a desperate country with lingering images of sugary comfort food.

Emma Bradford, from Hatfield, said: “I must be able to eat brownies all day and then come home to a programme about enthusiastic amateurs making brownies that, somehow, seem even more delicious.

“Otherwise I will paint the office walls with the blood of my enemies.”

Presenters Mel and Sue confirmed that their schedules could ‘work around’ the BBC’s desire to make quirky food shows, while the Corporation confirmed that Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry were now subject to a Compulsory Purchase Order.

Tom Logan, a perfectly moist upside-down cake enthusiast, added: “Need it. Need it. Need it. Never stop doing this.

“Don’t fuck with me. I can make a bomb in my shed.”

A Corporation spokesman said: “If necessary, we will create BBC9 to show The Great British Bake-Off on a 48-hour loop.

“Right up until the point where you can, once again, afford to go on holiday to France and buy astonishing patisserie, made by 16 year-old trainee chefs, at prices you will not fucking believe.”




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Cowardly Baumgartner finds flimsy excuse

INTERNATIONALLY renowned coward Felix Baumgartner has manufactured a pathetic excuse so he does not have to jump out of a balloon from 120,000 feet.

In a move described by experts as ‘typically Austrian’, the self-styled daredevil said he could not descend towards the Earth at the speed of sound because it was ‘a bit windy’.

He was immediately denounced by British daredevils who said that if they had ever tried to hurtle downwards at 340 metres per second the last thing they would have worried about was the direction of the air in which they were travelling.

Brian Thompson, the last Briton to jump off a garage, said: “Poof.”