Bands that would have been better if you'd been in them

SOME bands give you a strong feeling of ‘I could do that’. And you definitely could. Here are some famous acts that stupidly never got you on board.

Take That

When Robbie left the remaining members should have recruited you. Not having a chiselled torso, good looks or the ability to dance would not have been an obstacle, because pie-loving songwriter Gary Barlow would have viewed you as a welcome distraction from himself. Still, it’s their loss.

Destiny’s Child

Okay, Beyoncé and the other two could definitely shake it and work it, but they were nothing compared to you and the girls on an apocalyptic night out. When was the last time Destiny’s Child upped the energy so high they had to stop a performance to search for a contact lens or fix a broken heel? They would if you were on stage.

The Stone Roses

What were the Roses conspicuously missing, apart from a singer who could sing? That’s right, a Bez character dancing his tits off. All the best druggy baggy bands needed one, so the Stone Roses would have been even more legendary if Ian had given his maracas to you. For Second Coming you could have played air guitar like an embarrassing Status Quo fan, because no one cared by then.


Standing rigid behind synthesisers in shirts and ties, the pioneering German 70s electro-pop band weren’t much to look at. What they needed was you doing the ‘robotics’ dance moves everyone loves at your office Christmas party, adding a strong visual element the group sadly lacked. Plus, you wouldn’t have needed to get changed from work.


It’s said that if you think you should have been in the Sugababes, then you probably were. With no original members in the current line-up, they should give you a call. You can do Push The Button at karaoke down the pub, and you could give them a more lucrative, raunchier, Pussycat Dolls image by not bothering to wear a skirt.


With a singer who thinks he’s Christ and a guitarist cosplaying as a character from a western, there’s surely room in U2 for your own brand of narcissism. Maybe you could come on stage as another spiritual leader like the Buddha… or Gandhi? The band’s recent Las Vegas tenure would have lasted longer than a feeble 17 dates and be worth more than a pathetic $100 million with you on board.

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Grown man believes there is such a thing as cartoons for adults

A MAN in his late 30s is desperate to convince normal people that adults can watch cartoons without shame.

Software engineer Martin Bishop is adamant that TV shows with talking drawings are deep reflections on the complexities of human nature, and not a sign of never quite having grown out of Battle of the Planets

Bishop said: “You watch Bojack Horseman and think ‘This is actually me!’ The empty casual sex and drug binges are just so true to life, or I wish they were. 

“Maybe only a freewheeling bachelor holed up in a depressing High Wycombe flat full of Clone Wars DVDs gets it.

“Cartoons are often made by geniuses with fascinatingly troubled minds. You can learn so much about mental health and religion from Neon Genesis Evangelion while immersing yourself in the culture of Japan. 

“People think it’s just about robots, but it’s not. There’s also martial arts. And tits.”

After Bishop again explained why Batman: The Animated Series is ‘culturally, historically and aesthetically significant’, friends expressed their hope that he might at least watch something with real people in it. 

Lauren Hewitt said: “I’ve got kids so I’m resigned to watching bloody Disney, but I don’t give a shit if Velma is ‘meta’ or not. And no, I’m not going to have an affair with Martin, however much he impersonates SpongeBob.

“Especially after I heard he was discovered wanking over Leela from Futurama.”