Banksy revealed as tight bastard who never gets round in

STREET artist Banksy has been revealed as a man who always claimed to be broke in the pub.

39-year-old Tom Logan, who told his friends he was out of work, was revealed to be the millionaire artist when a friend shouted “Oi Banksy you’ve dropped 20p”.

Cousin Roy Hobbs said: “Tom, or rather Banksy, always claimed to be on benefits despite having applied for numerous jobs including ‘night fill’ in Tesco Express.

“On that basis I was happy to get him drinks, although it did slightly annoy me that he always wanted the most expensive foreign lager.”

The tight-arsed anarchist even pretended to be at an event where the long-term unemployed pick up litter from riverbanks when he was actually on a luxury graffiti trip.

Logan/Banksy said: “Yes, some of my work sells for six-figure sums but you’ve got auctioneer’s commission coming out of that plus spray paint doesn’t come cheap.

“Also ISA rates are very poor at the moment which means that whatever I manage to save from my anti-establishment murals is earning a paltry amount of interest.”

Hobbs added: “He even sold me some tickets for that ‘Dismaland’ thing for £80, claiming to have gotten them off someone at Job Club. The fucker.”

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Man to carefully weigh up pros and cons of EU then just be racist

A MAN is planning to carefully assess the risks and benefits of Britain leaving the EU then just vote on the basis of not liking immigrants, he has announced.

Retired engineer Roy Hobbs intends to read up on issues like the single market and trade tariffs before imagining a horde of gypsy beggars, Eastern European criminals and crazed jihadis taking over his village.

Hobbs said: “I feel it’s my duty to understand the facts, even if my actual decision is based on a paranoid fantasy about no one speaking English and only being able to buy weird Polish sausages.

“I’m currently reading a cost-benefit analysis of EU membership in The Economist, which I will weigh up against my recurring dream where 20 Bulgarians move in next door and start making vile suggestions to my wife.

“It’s a tough call but ultimately I think I’ll be guided by my innate sense of terror and loathing towards any person whose looks or accent are noticeably different to mine.