Battle Royale tops teachers' 100 greatest books list

A SURVEY of teachers’ top books has named Battle Royale as the greatest of all time.

Teacher Tom Booker said: “What I like about this novel of students being forced to fight each other to the brutal, bloody death by a society that’s finally had enough of their shit is the elegant prose style.

“Also the characterisation is really good.

“And the crossbows. And the axes.”

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Capitalist drinks companies thank socialists for all the money

MULTI-NATIONAL drinks companies have thanked Britain’s socialists for delivering another wonderfully profitable day.

As pub, supermarket and off-licence tills rang long into the night, the alcohol manufacturers said that although Margaret Thatcher was dead, large, profit-hungry corporations definitely weren’t.

A spokesman for the British Alcohol Association said: “If this is what they do when an old lady dies, can you imagine the sort of celebration they’ll have if they ever defeat capitalism?

“I wonder when that will happen?”