BBC announces Howard’s Way reboot

THE BBC is to compete with the revamped Dallas by reviving moderately popular 80s yacht construction soap opera Howard’s Way.

The producers have promised that the new series will retain much-loved elements of the original, such as discussions of carbon fibre versus balsa hulls, but also introduce 21st century issues like the internet and chlamydia.

Series producer Nathan Muir said: “If there’s one thing the British public can really relate to, it’s the construction process of yachts.

“Who could forget the nail-biting drama of Tom Howard attempting to find financial backing for his catamaran design, or his wife Jan opening a boutique selling her own range of sailing wear?

“Naturally we want to move with the times and add a gritty, urban edge, so Lenny Henry will play a funky harbour master who listens to Public Enemy.”

Tom Howard will be played by Midsomer Murders star John Nettles, chosen for his ability to bring bland, unthreatening characters partially to life. Other casting will be confirmed once the producers have found enough extremely ordinary-looking actors.

TV viewer Nikki Hollis said: “I used to love Howard’s Way. You’d go into school the next day and everyone would be talking about yawls and spinnaker sails.”

38-year-old Tom Logan agreed: “I’ll never forget this show, because I used to masturbate furiously over the thought of Kate O’Mara’s breasts. Oh, hang on, that was Triangle

Similar plans to remake 80s Scottish village soap Take The High Road have been shelved after ITV executives lapsed into comas while discussing plotlines about shortbread.



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McDonalds relaunched as moody teen hangout

FAST food giant McDonalds is re-branding its restaurants as foodless leisure spaces for bored, hostile teenagers.

The scheme was conceived after McDonalds executives noticed many outlets were primarily used by teenagers for hanging out in because they’re too young for the pub.

These teens rarely eat, preferring to spend their time intimidating adults and throwing things at each other.

In the re-vamped branches, food has been completely removed from the menu.  Instead teenagers can buy McGraffiti pens and Chuckin’ McNuggets, lumps of rubber designed for throwing at girls you fancy.

The company’s trademark Happy Meals will be re-branded as Angsty Meals.  In line with the new policy, the ‘meal’ will contain no food, being just a box filled with a sense of emptiness, and a plastic vampire.

The chain will also change its slogan from the familiar “I’m lovin’ it,” to the more teen-friendly, “I hate you, leave me alone.” Company mascot Ronald McDonald will be replaced by the Joker from Batman.

A McDonalds spokesman explained: “Teenage years can be bleak, lonely and miserable, and McDonalds is the perfect place to experience that, especially when it’s raining outside.

“It’s a place to come and fiddle with your phone while looking pissed off, and best of all no food equals zero calories, effectively combatting childhood obesity.”

Instead of serving food, adult staff will be employed to sit in the ‘restaurants’, having things thrown at their backs until they turn around and shout angrily, at which point all the customers will laugh and call them a ‘bender’.