BBC asked to check meaning of word 'talent'

THE BBC was handed a dictionary last night after using the world ‘talent’ to describe Richard Hammond.

Broadcasting executives inexplicably used the word to describe the Top Gear homunculus in response to mind-freezingly tedious newspaper revelations that people on the telly get paid a lot.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Famous people earn a lot of money. I get it. And I couldn’t really give a fuck.

“However I do object to the buggering of the English language that occurs when you describe Jeremy Clarkson’s impish handkerchief-carrier as being talented, potentially placing him in the same bracket as Leonardo Da Vinci or even the Krankies.”

BBC lawyer Nikki Hollis said: “Having just checked the dictionary, ‘talent’ translates roughly as a natural aptitude or skill, which Hammond does have, albeit for losing control of machinery.

“Incidentally, Graham Norton’s main talent is that if you feed him after midnight, he multiplies into lots of tiny malevolent Graham Nortons.”

License fee payer Emma Bradford said: “The BBC isn’t perfect but pretty much everything else on telly is shit.

“Except for Ice Road Truckers, of course.

“And at least they don’t seem to be giving that much money to Paddy McGuinness, whose mere presence reduces whatever he’s in to the level of foreign telly.

“Foreign telly. Brrrrr.”



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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I was doing a bit of weeding in the garden this weekend,
and as I was crouching by the fence, I realised I could overhear the
conversation of our next door neighbours. As I listened further, I began
to hear all sorts of juicy information about their sordid sex life
which was so racy it nearly gave me the dry boke amongst the geraniums.
What makes it better is that she’s the local head of the WI and he’s the
school headmaster. This stuff is way too interesting to keep to myself;
what is the quickest way of broadcasting it to the wider community?

Dear Helen,
If you’ve been reading the news this week, you’ll know all about why you’re not supposed to listen in on people’s private conversations, even if you know you’ll get some juicy gossip out of it. Apparently, some nosy rich guy called Rudolph Murdoch was earwigging on the Queen and Hugh Grant who were phoning each other up to talk about what they’d had for tea and what happened on Eastenders and then Rudolph would write about it the next day in his papers. But sadly for big-ears, he snooped once too often and now everyone is very angry with him. What this should tell you is that even if you get loads of pocket money and are pals with loads of big bullies like Rudolph, you still can’t buy the right to spy on other people. Plus if you’re going to go to all that trouble, you may as well go straight to the top and spy on Santa: at least then you can find out what you’re getting for Christmas.

Hope that helps!