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BBC issues amber Children In Need warning

THE BBC has issued an amber Children In Need warning across BBC1 and Radio 2 beginning this morning and running until 10pm tonight. 

Anyone covered by the affected areas has been advised that conditions of charitable giving will begin gathering strength in early afternoon and persist well past the time you will normally be drunk.

Forecaster Francesca Johnson said: “The good news is if you’re on BBC 2, Radio 4 or 6Music you’ll barely be affected. Perhaps you’ll suffer a few congratulatory messages to Sara Cox.

“But anyone on BBC1 or Radio 2 – middle England – is in the very eye of Storm Pudsey. There are Apprentice, Strictly and Gladiators specials, all with kids, and the Children in Need choir performing Coldplay’s Yellow.

“That’s fronted by presenters including Big Zuu, Paddy McGuiness, Vernon Kay and Rochelle Humes, so the elderly will be particularly vulnerable. The risk of a live music performance by Lewis Capaldi is high.

“Some viewers will be deluged with a month’s sentimentality in a single evening. But remember, it will pass and television you actually enjoy will be back by Saturday.”

Julian Cook of Bermondsey said: “I would happily give a tenner if it would make it go away.”

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Christmas lights going up a chilling harbinger of horror to come

THE sight of a town’s Christmas lights going up is a terrifying glimpse of the nightmarish festivity on its way.

People witnessing the lights being erected in Winchester have been filled with a cold sense of dread as they realise the season of expensive gift-giving and familial obligations is hanging over them like a festive executioner’s axe.

Onlooker Emma Bradford said: “Seeing illuminated stars and angels being fixed into place only means one thing: the next six weeks are going to be a living Hell.

“They may look enchanting and whimsical, but don’t be deceived. Like animals feeling restless before a storm, they’re a grim warning that a catastrophe is brewing. Although I’d rather suffer through a hurricane than my son’s nativity play.”

Martin Bishop said: “They may not spell it out explicitly, but these lights are telling you to either hunker down or immediately flee to a country that doesn’t observe Christmas, like China.

“It’s going to get worse before it gets better. Towns will be clogged with shitty markets. Offices will throw massively inconvenient parties. Children will expect you to orchestrate magical experiences, all while you try to navigate the normal stresses of daily life.

“The only way to avoid the relentless onslaught of Christmas whimsy is to die, and come mid-December that will feel awfully tempting. Merry Christmas, one and all.”

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