Oh, like you've never pretended to be a high-ranking admiral at a Remembrance event

14th November 2025

IT’S the hypocrisy I hate. We’ve all done crazy shit for kicks in late middle-age. But suddenly it’s only me who fakes being an admiral on Remembrance Sunday.

Okay, a couple of my medals clashed. I didn’t have the ‘right shirt collar’, whatever that is. Dude. I was absolutely off my box on honouring our fallen. So I wasn’t on top of every little detail.

And yet everyone’s ‘Who is this fake Navy officer?’ as if they’ve never slipped into a flight commander’s uniform and joined a parade, red-faced, pupils massive, bolt-bloody-hard.

What harm did it do? ‘Oh no, those who made the ultimate sacrifice in two world wars have been inappropriately paid tribute!’ Like they’d care. I laid that wreath like a f**king boss, I promise you. Not one person in attendance criticised my wreath-laying. It was bang on.

Also, it’s not like I rocked up at the Whitehall Cenotaph and faked being a sea lord with the big boys. It was Llandudno. Most of that crowd was genuinely thrilled by my presence until pedantic bastards ruined it for them.

I don’t judge others. When I see a guy I know for a fact never made it past the Territorials dolled up as an air commodore at an air show, I let him have his fun. When Dave lets slip he was in the SAS down the pub, I keep schtum.

While I’m doing this I’m not doing the truly offensive shit men of a certain age get into, like commenting on models’ Instagrams or huffing xenophobia at hotel protests. The uniform goes back in the wardrobe and nobody gets hurt.

The admiral’s blown. But look for me in a town near you with a chestful of medals next November 11th. I’ll be the veteran on the mobility scooter.

Richard Hammond, and other men straight blokes would shag if they absolutely had to

14th November 2025

IT’S the question every straight man has asked himself: which fellow male would you have sex with if the alternative was being executed or something? Here are the least bad options.

Brad Pitt

Choosing a man universally considered to be incredibly good-looking feels less gay, although aren’t you tacitly admitting you find men attractive by choosing a hunk like Brad? It’s a philosophical conundrum that would stump Bertrand Russell, but however you look at it it’s preferable to shagging, say, Joe Pasquale.

Richard Hammond

Having spent his career being bullied by Clarkson and May, you feel Richard Hammond’s uncomplaining acceptance of victimhood would make this latest ignominy a routine event. You’re not into it, he’s not into it, but life’s a bitch, eh? The Hamster would undoubtedly agree and you could probably have a pint afterwards without it being too awkward.

John Barrowman

You’re hoping that for John it would just be a case of having a regrettable shag with someone less attractive who he doesn’t fancy that much (you), and it’s not like that has never happened before in the history of sexual intercourse, gay or straight. Frankly Alan Carr is more on your plateau of attractiveness, but you’re totally superficial about women’s looks so why break the habit of a lifetime?

Sean Bean

Although in real-life he’s a poncey actor, Sean exudes the raw male sexuality of his characters: Richard Sharpe, Ned Stark, Lady Chatterley’s Lover and, of course, Andy McNab. Sex with Sean would probably feel quite heterosexual, and in fact you’re starting to understand why women fantasise about his rough, masculine touch. Better stop that and think about tits.

Steve McQueen

Your unwished-for sexual encounter may as well be with a male icon, just to impress your mates in the pub. It might make watching his many classic movies a bit weird in the future, but who knows? The car chase in Bullitt might be even more thrilling thanks to your new bond with Steve, and it’s the nearest you’ll get to shagging Ali McGraw.

David Tennant

Tennant was your favourite recent Doctor Who, and everyone who’s met him says he’s a really nice guy, so he’s an obvious choice. Unfortunately the more you think about your weird sex challenge, the more you wonder if you should inflict it on someone you don’t like rather than admire and respect? JD Vance, for example. But could you bring yourself to have sex with that absolute wanker? Probably not. You’ve got standards.

Batman

You’re hopeful that the inherent coolness of having sex with Batman will overshadow the ‘shagging a bloke’ aspect. You may have misjudged this, as making love to a ripped bloke in body armour and a horned mask is likely to be the most memorable sexual experience you’ve ever had. Still, at least you opted for Christian Bale’s Batman, for a darker and more realistic shag.