BBC says 'f*ck it' and replaces Patten with the Skull Cracker

THE new chairman of the BBC is a violent criminal known as the ‘Skull Cracker’.

Following Lord Patten’s departure, the Corporation insisted that viewers wanted violence and stupidity and that it was time to ‘stop dicking about’.

A spokesman added: “We just thought ‘fuck it’.”

Mr Cracker said: “There’s going to be shit loads of Danny Dyer. He is my David Attenborough.”

The chairman immediately unveiled new prime-time programmes, including Strictly Come Getting Hit on the Head, MasterBastard and David Dimbleby Cries Like a Girl.

He added: “Some people in the BBC may not want to work on a show called MasterBastard, but they will because I’m not the ‘Let’s Have a Meeting Cracker’.”

Mr Cracker also revealed he will sack Jeremy Clarkson, insisting the BBC ‘is no place for casual racism and I want to use his salary to buy a massive boat’.

He continued: “It’s a shame Paxman has left Newsnight. I liked him. Anyway, I’m going to replace him with my mate Dave. If Dave had been in the chair Michael Howard would have had one fucking chance to answer that question.”

Mr Cracker said that Crimewatch will continue ‘but with a radically different premise’.

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Katie is a competent horsewoman with huge breasts

Dear Holly,

It may be coincidence; it may be fate, but I notice that Katie Price has become single again at the same time as me. As far as I can see she is a competent horsewoman, an expert business person and has massive jugs to boot. Who cares if she is awfully vulgar? Should I give her a call anyway? 

Prince Harry 


Dear Harry,

Just be careful. Whilst people often say that opposites attract, sometimes we need to be mindful of extreme differences. That’s the lesson my granny learned when she got a kitten to keep her dog Bilko company. Granny was hoping it would turn out like The Incredible Journey; unfortunately it ended up being more like Deliverance. Poor Tootles just wanted a quiet life, but that was never going to be possible with an overly affectionate Yorkshire Terrier in the vicinity. Thankfully, Tootles is completely healed now and living with a nice goldfish who respects his personal space.

Hope that helps!