BBC to make startling documentary about your unnecessary children

THE BBC natural history unit is to make a ground-breaking series about the consequences of your unsustainable breeding.

Presented by Sir David Attenborough, Scum on Earth will demonstrate the amazing diversity of human life and why there should be an awful lot less of it.

Using innovative camera techniques the 12-part series will reveal in intimate detail why you and your rosy cheeked offspring are little more than dolphin-murdering parasites.

The producers have also commissioned a man and a woman to make a baby and will follow its progress from conception, through to the moment of birth when it will be immediately chucked into a bin.

A spokesman said: “The conception and gestation of a human foetus is one of the most remarkable and unnecessary things in nature.

“While the child is in the womb we will be using innovative camera techniques to show its fat bitch of a mother eating her own bodyweight in increasingly scarce Creme Eggs.”

Sir David will also travel to a remote area of Newcastle where he will attempt to get close to a family of wild Geordies.

The spokesman added: “He will have to speak very quietly, keep very still and not make eye contact with the alpha male, otherwise he could be mistaken for a benefits officer.

“Once he has gained their trust he will then lecture them about having lots of disgusting, resource-hungry children who will probably grow up to watch ITV.”


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Afghans face three month RAF waiting list

AFGHAN civilians are facing a three month wait to be blown to smithereens, it has emerged.

With 2,600 military posts facing the axe and the RAF committed to a prolonged engagement in Libya, the ministry of defence is now asking the Afghan population if they can give themselves horrific injuries at home.

And in a bid to cut costs anyone unsure how to flatten their house with high explosive will be advised to call RAF24.

Meanwhile senior officers have also warned privately that the cutbacks could even lead to some primary schools not being mistaken for Al Qaeda training camps.

But defence secretary Liam Fox said: “This is about streamlining service delivery by giving local platoon commanders the power to commission bombings from a range of sources, including the private sector.

“We will also incentivise them with a bonus structure that encourages as many fast and relatively painless deaths as possible.

“This is all about getting people through the system and out the other side in a large plastic bag.”

But Kandahar goat salesman, Omar Halabji, said: “I was told I would get a bomb last year after MI6 said our one-room shack was Osama Bin Laden’s hot tub. I’m still waiting.

“The goat market is really fragile at the moment and I just can’t afford to go private.”

He added: “You can say what you like about communism but at least the Soviets guaranteed free bombs for everyone at the point of delivery.”

Meanwhile naval cuts will also hit closer to home, with landlords in Portsmouth facing the prospect of having to periodically shower their own pubs with broken glass and urine.

Mr Fox added: “Through the restructuring and streamlining of our military, these cuts should not stop anyone in Britain having access to a violent, tattooed maniac with a thousand yard stare.”