BBC3 to be merged with CBeebies

BBC3 will be merged with CBeebies as the broadcaster puts all its toddler-based programmes under the same roof.

From today the youth channel will carry extended trailers for CBeebies in a bid to comfort the audience with the familiar shapes, colours and music of pre-school television.

A BBC spokesman said: “Just imagine the sheer delight of a 22 year-old cretin as he discovers the existence of Bernard Cribbins.”

But parents have expressed concerns over the merger with many claiming that BBC3 shows will be unable to match the complexity and nuance of Justin’s House or The Tweenies.

Jane Thompson, from Peterborough, said: “Toddlers are inquisitive and eager to learn and CBeebies reflects that. People who watch BBC3 are basically farm animals.”

But public health experts said the merger could cut binge drinking as thousands of young people rush home from work to catch In the Night Garden.

Dr Martin Bishop added: “It should have the same effect that it has on two year-olds, so the young adults will go quietly to bed instead of painting a town centre with vomit.”

The move is part of the BBCs plan to stop spending quite so much money on things that are utterly worthless.

The spokesman added: “The merged channel will have the exciting new name of ‘CBeebies’ as we embark on an exciting new project to pretend that BBC3 never happened.”


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Internet argument resolved

AN ARGUMENT on the internet has been resolved to the satisfaction of both parties.

The conclusion of the dispute, which began in October 1998 on a message board abandoned by everyone else in 2002, has given hope to the rest of the internet.

Bill McKay said: “We’re pretty sure the argument began over The X-Files, though we actually disagreed even on that for most of 2009.

“Since then it’s ranged across Richard Dawkins, Keynesian economics, dream Justice League line-ups, the standardisation of European shoe sizes and smartphone operating systems, ‘Godwinising’ a record 43,378 times.

“It’s been a full-time job, so I’m lucky that I have the kind of full-time job where they assume if I’m typing I’m working.”

Bill, also known as FlyingBoy, and his interlocutor, Electr0m0nk, have spent more than a decade locked in argument, a full year of which was spent shouting “STRAW MAN!” at each other.

The pair, who estimate they cut-and-pasted sections from every page on Wikipedia in attempts to back up their prejudices with evidence, now count themselves friends.

Bill said: “We finally settled our differences, agreed that we’d both learned a lot from each other, closed the message board and moved on.

“I hope it can teach others that arguing on the internet is completely worthwhile, as long as you never give up. Never.”