BBC4 named ponciest channel at National TV Awards

BBC4 was last night named Best Channel for Stuck-Up Ponces at the National Television Awards.

Fending off competition from Sky Arts One and Two and America’s PBS, the BBC’s documentary and culture channel was praised for its consistency in thinking it is better than ITV just because it has read a book and has thoughts.

Presenting the award, Paddy McGuinness said: “All the nominees do a fantastic job every day of catering to the weird, stuck-up tastes of the sort of ponces who think kiddie fiddlers are just mentally ill.

“Well done BBC4 – would you like to me to hold your monocle while you give some fancy speech about Shakespeare and Palestine?”

The awards ceremony, held in the O2 Arena after it had been converted into a massive Wetherspoon’s, also saw big wins for the Downton Abbey, the Ant and the Dec and a programme where a celebrity allows us a glimpse of who they really are when all the other cameras are switched off.

TV critic Julian Cook said: “The National Television Awards are based on the very important concept that something is good because lots of people think it’s good.

“This means that Jonathan Ross is good. Not shit. Not utterly fucking shit. Good.

“It means that Downton Abbey is good. Not pathetic. Not written by remedial gibbons and utterly contemptuous of its audience. Good.”

After packing up its podium and cheeky one-liners, the awards bandwagon now moves on to the Baftas, the annual ceremony for things people claim they were watching when they were actually watching some tuppenny whores in a jungle.



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The days are getting longer, say cheerful dickheads

PEOPLE who insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain.

As the country lurches wounded through soul-sucking darkness, a small army of sunny-side-up halfwits are managing to make things worse by claiming spring is almost here.

Web designer Nathan Muir said: “If we’re being strictly scientific than maybe it was three minutes lighter today than last week, but if you make a point of telling me that I will assume that you are out of your mind.

“January and February are survivable if you keep your head down, drink to oblivion as often as possible and surrender yourself to the never-ending night.”

Nikki Hollis, from Leeds, added: “The signs of spring are birds chirping and leaves on trees. A sunny disposition is not the same as actual sunshine. And prolonged exposure to it is far more harmful.

“It doesn’t matter if the sun rises at 8.02am or 7.47am, I’m still delayed in the gloom at Croydon and trying to work out why the Metro is a successful newspaper.

“If one more glass-half-full simpleton tells me ‘we’re over the worst’ I will bury them alive with a looped recording of Birdsongs of the Norfolk Broads.