‘Best albums of 2015’ lists inexplicably different

PROFESSIONALLY-COMPILED lists of this year’s best albums somehow have different things on them, it has emerged.

Tom Logan of Lincoln checked out best-of lists in Rolling Stone, Mojo, The Guardian and Stereogum and was puzzled by their failure to be identical. 

He said: “I read my first one and thought that’s great, I’ll buy the top three albums from this list because they are objectively superior to all other music released this year.

“Then I came across this other list full of albums that didn’t even feature in the first list. What the fuck?

“Only one of them can be telling the truth.”

He added: “They should either sort these lists out so they’re all the same, or ban them. It’s a simple question – what is the best music? I demand to know.”

After consideration, Logan has decided that the Adele album must be the best one because it has made the most money.

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Trump convinced owning golf courses makes him popular in Britain

DONALD Trump believes that owning golf courses is something British people find impressive, it has emerged.

The Republican presidential candidate responded to UK criticism of his remarks about ‘no-go areas’ in London by highlighting his ownership of several British courses, seemingly unaware that most Britons think golf is a game for complete arseholes.

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “To play golf is bad, to play it professionally is appalling, but to actually own a golf course – and to think that is somehow a good thing – is almost unimaginably dickish.

“I’d be more impressed with him if he threw bags of heroin out of his helicopter over a school playground.”

Helen Archer, from Peterborough, added: “I didn’t realise he owned golf courses. I thought it was just vile casinos and ugly skyscrapers full of ghastly, gold-plated shit that cheapens and demeans all who set eyes on it.

“So he actually owns those places where middle class twats can tell sexist jokes and congratulate each other on the price of their motor cars?

“Ban the fucker.”