Bestival fun continues for those in charge of litter and faeces

THE workers responsible for rubbish and human shit are having a rocking time today at the site of the Bestival event.

Bestival attracted thousands of crazy, flamboyant festivalgoers to its Isle of Wight site over the weekend, where they enjoyed magical moments, fancy dress and acts including Stevie Wonder.

But while most have returned to their mundane jobs, an elite group of workers is still having an awesome time removing their detritus from the site.

Toilet operative Stephen Malley said: “There’s a real buzz about the site this morning as I attach this pipe to another pipe and hoover tonnes of liquid shit into this tanker.

“The smell is totally amazing and crazy, in this really unique way. It’s the smell of love, I guess.”

Litter picker Mary Fisher said: “There’s a very special vibe here as I go around collecting discarded beer cans, half-eaten falafels and used laughing gas canisters. Oh look – a condom!

“That’s amazing because I was just thinking about condoms. Total synchronicity.”

Highlights on the Bestival site this morning include a hand-painted sign saying ‘Free Hugs’ which has been trampled into a ditch, and the lost car keys of a festivalgoer who is currently having a fucking nightmare.

 

 

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Hamilton torn over whose cars to crash

LEWIS Hamilton is facing a dilemma over which team’s cars he is going to smash into a wall, it has emerged.

The accomplished car demolisher has been having a difficult time at McLaren, as Formula 1 chiefs doggedly refuse to award points to competitors who cross the finish line pedalling the remains of their car with their feet, like Fred Flintstone.

Hamilton said: “While Ferrari’s new fuel intake design offers better speed through the corners, into the gravel traps and against the barriers, Lotus are doing some interesting things with their collapsible bumpers and wings that just pop off at the merest shunt.

“Wherever I go they will need to have the right blend of ambition, innovation and fully-functioning airbags.”

Hamilton has vowed to stay focused on his crashing for the rest of the season, ensuring Mclaren’s engineers have to work late every weekend piecing back together vehicles like multimillion pound Airfix models.

Other constructors are already preparing bids to tempt the former world champion, as the not-sport comes to terms with the fact that the crashes are the only thing normal people are interested in.

Mercedes have tabled a bid worth £60M over three years for Hamilton, £52M of which is for medical insurance.

Motorsport agent Tom Logan said: “Lewis is a valuable brand and can guarantee sponsors that their logo will be seen on news channels across the world, even if it is in slow motion, upside-down and on fire.”