Britain hails return of normal telly

AFTER weeks of Olympics, Britons are celebrating the end of disruption to the television schedules.

Thousands will line the streets of London this afternoon for a special ‘homecoming’ parade celebrating the heroes of televised light entertainment, many of whom were moved to BBC2 or dropped altogether while the Olympics and Paralympics were on.

Sarah Beeney will lead the procession on behalf of property programming, carried aloft on a golden throne by Kirstie Allsopp and the hosts of A Place In The Sun.

The parade will also feature Melinda Messenger and her little bald co-host, representing shows about bad builders, and a woman with gonads from the forthcoming Channel 4 documentary The Woman With Gonads.

Other celebrities will include the surviving stars of the black and white war films that will now be on in the afternoons.

Television fan Emma Bradford said: “The Olympics was fun but when I turn on my television I want to see people whose lives are worse than mine – either they’ve got suppurating nodules all over their genitals or they’ve been shot in the face by Kiefer Sutherland.

“These high achievers with their big grins get a bit wearing after a while, to be honest.”

Father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “Sport is all very well but Holby City has been trapped in the gay intellectual ghetto of BBC2. Also I want to watch a programme about cakes or people opening boxes.

“Ideally people opening boxes with cakes in them.

“However after the Paralympics I’m keen to see more disabled people on our screens, especially if they are wrestling gypsies in a jungle location.”

During this afternoon’s symbolic event, Olympic and Paralympic champions will remove their medals and hang them around the necks of television personalities.

Olympic gold medallist Nikki Hollis said: “Running fast is one thing but I couldn’t go to a touristy antiques fair, negotiate a knock-down price on an Art Deco figurine, then auction it for a small profit while delivering consistently witty pieces-to-camera.

“These guys are the real heroes.”



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Harry targeted by Taleban hen parties

PRINCE Harry will be a target for crazy Taleban good-time girls, experts have warned.

As the Prince and his toy helicopter were deployed to Afghanistan, hen parties across the war-torn country were planning an all-out assault on his underpants.

Defence analyst Julian Cook said: “They will swarm around him, batting their eyelids as quickly as possible in the hope he will invite them back to his luxury snooker table.

“At that point literally anything can happen. And will. Because when Prince Harry is involved everything is awesome.”

Cook added: “Taleban hen parties specialise in the use of IEDs which they use to kill anyone in the room who is not buck-naked.

“They are also fanatical in their belief that there’s no such thing as too much fun.”

Meanwhile, the Ministry of Defence rejected claims that the Prince will place other soldiers at greater risk of being wanked in a jacuzzi.

A spokesman said: “Every member of the British armed forces understands fully the nature of being swept up in an all-Afghan girls’ night out.”

The Prince and his friends are expected to fly low over villages in Helmand province checking out the talent and attempting to fill the local girls’ glasses with Veuve Clicquot from a height of just 250ft while travelling at 165 miles per hour

His entourage for the four-month tour includes Binky, Bonky, Spinky, Spanky and Air Commodore Sir Denys Finch-Hatton who is in charge of the johnny bags.