Environment accused of benefit fraud

THE environment has been accused of wasting taxpayer’s money on virtually useless plants and animals.

Despite receiving billions annually in government support, the environment has continued to forego economic growth in favour of sustaining various living organisms, most of which do not have jobs or pay tax.

Economist Denys Finch-Hatton said: “The biosphere regularly squanders millions of pounds on projects such as rats, pigeons and grey squirrels which do nothing to propel growth and in fact just shit everywhere.

“This all happens under the guise of sustaining humanity.

“The environment also displays a heavy bias towards so-called green issues, and a tedious insistence on the reality of global warming, which is hardly conducive to getting us out of a double-dip recession.

“We’re humans, not those hippy cat things in Avatar, and we need to see a return on our investment.

“There’s a saying that money doesn’t grow on trees but why not? I’m sure nature could give us a money tree if it wasn’t following its own leafy liberal agenda.

“The only worthwhile things the natural world has given us in the last fifteen years has been that dog that won Britain’s Got Talent, and LOLcats, and even then the animals were partially domesticated.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

America 'fifteenth, maybe twentieth best country in the world', says Obama

PRESIDENT Barack Obama has described America as being easily one of the world’s top twenty countries.

Addressing an audience of 10,000 in Houston, Texas in a warm-up to his speech at the Democratic National Convention, Obama cut a relaxed figure as he warmed to his theme of American unexceptionalism.

President Obama said, “My fellow Americans, we stand on the threshold of great challenges, great opportunities and new horizons. I can honestly say that there is no people on earth better equipped to rise to those challenges than the Germans.

“Unfortunately, we are not German. Nor are we Chinese, with their impressive work ethic and bank balance.

“Once we had the best heavyweight champions – now we are having our behinds kicked by the Ukrainians. Where once we had the world’s finest TV detective series, now it is the Danish who hold sway.

“As a nation, I believe we are mature and humble enough to acknowledge that we are hamstrung by our ignorance, our bigotry, our denial of reality – eight out of ten Americans believe in angels.

“To those of you who do, let me reach out to you tonight, take off your shoes and slap you about the jowls with them. You are premium grade morons.”

Ignoring the open mouths of his advisers and the fixed, glowering stare of the First Lady, Obama spoke movingly about how his travels to foreign climes had persuaded him that America was way too far up its own ass.

He said: “No disrespect to you ladies tonight but I’d rank you about neck and neck with the Albanians. Those of you who have necks.

“Time and again as I travel the length and breadth of this nation I am struck by the thought – my God, we are obese. When I say “we”, of course, I don’t mean me, I mean most of you people.

“You know where else beats us hands down? Belgium. Belgium’s good. Find out.  Get a passport – they’re like little books with hardly any pages in them.”