Nobody comes to see Hodgson any more

ENGLAND players are making increasingly-implausible excuses for not seeing Roy Hodgson at his FA retirement bungalow.

Adam Johnson was the latest player to confirm he wouldn’t be stopping by to visit, saying he’s been snowed under with work recently but will definitely be around before Christmas.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “The only one who always turns up is Michael Owen, even though he’s never invited, but Roy won’t give him the time of day because he’s convinced Michael’s stealing money out of his dresser.”

The lonely England manager recently organised a trip to Moldova as a chance to get out of the house and see some old faces.

However there has been little enthusiasm from the players he believed were his friends, despite Hodgson’s letters clearly stating they could spend most of the trip having fun with their mates if they just gave him a couple of hours.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “Roy sent out a load of invites to players. They always say they’ll be there but when it comes to match-time the poor old chap will be sat on the bench with a blanket over his knees with only John Terry and a box of Newberry Fruits for company.

“They’ll be able to share their views on the foreign food over in Moldova but every time a steward walks past he’ll be craning his neck to see if Wayne Rooney has managed to make it after all.”

Other players to send Hodgson a petrol station greeting card with an awkwardly-written message wishing him luck are Andy Carroll, who is attending a friend’s wedding, and Ashley Cole, whose car is being serviced.



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Lunchtime pints key to economic growth

EVERYONE drinking at least three pints of beer at lunchtime will keep Britain’s economy on track, it has been claimed.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Throughout the 80s and early 90s, office workers would flee the office like rats out of a trap at half twelve – twelve on a Friday – heading straight for the pub.

“However bosses fell under the influence of soulless foreign ‘business experts’, particularly Americans, who believed that drinking several pints of beer in the middle of the day could negatively effect productivity.

“But it’s only after the shift away from midday alcohol binges towards eating a sad little sandwich at one’s computer that everything went to shit.”

Professor Brubaker believes a mandatory minimum lunchtime beer consumption of three pints could restore Britain’s economic vigour.

He said: “Returning from the pub to the office you feel sleepy, and entering a waking-dream state which is when you have your cleverest thoughts. I call it the ‘creative stupor’.”

Sales manager Tom Logan said: “It does seem that eradicating all the fun from life in a grim quest for efficiency hasn’t actually worked.

“I generally do less work when drunk. But perhaps I’m so incompetent that this is a good thing?”