Big Brother celebrities arrive, unaware that one of them is a murderer

THE new murder-themed series of Celebrity Big Brother began last night with the mysterious death of Julian Clary.

Martin Kemp, formerly of Spandau Ballet, discovered Clary slumped in the Diary Room with a carving knife protruding from the camp comedian’s back.

After failing to find a pulse in Clary’s neck, Kemp said: “He’s dead. Somebody killed Julian.”

In a unique twist on the format, one of the housemates is a psychopath and a celebrity will be killed each week until the killer is either unmasked or voted out by the public.

Several of the housemates have already pointed the finger at So Solid Crew member MC Harvey.

Housemate Samantha Brick said: “He’s from East London, they kill each other there without even thinking about it, it’s just like getting a KFC to them.

“Julian probably made a double entendre and he just snapped.”

Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino from Jersey Shore, who is exhibiting surprisingly strong powers of deduction, replied: “That motive doesn’t stack up. MC Harvey faced widespread press criticism after he cheated on Alesha – he could handle a few cock jokes without resorting to violence.

“Also if you look at the angle of the blade, the murderer was left-handed. MC Harvey is right-handed.”

Julie Goodyear, who was in Coronation Street, said: “I don’t care who did it, we’re going to be in this house together for weeks so we all need to stop doing murders and start getting along.”



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How can I grow a willy?

Dear Holly

I’m sick of being a woman and having to do all the stuff. My husband sits on his fat backside watching programmes on the Dave channel from morning to night while I slave away in the kitchen like a sweaty, sour-faced scrubber. The only advantage to being a woman is that you get first dibs on the lifeboat, but last time I checked, my house was still on dry land. I’ve decided that the key to happiness is having a willy. How can I grow a penis?



Dear Agatha,

Why on earth would you want to own a willy? For starters, you can easily get it trapped in things, like zips and keyholes and power sockets; and when you wee you have to stand up, meaning your bum must get pretty chilly sometimes. Also, anyone who has a willy has to keep touching it all the time to make sure it hasn’t fallen off, which means doing anything with two hands is difficult. I’ve never seen a willy but I’ve been told they look like a limbless Duncan Goodhew in a shiny balaclava, which is more than a little alarming, and so if one ever comes near me I’ll be sure to squish it with my shoe.

Hope that helps!