Big Brother Contestants To Be Put To Sleep

CHANNEL Four last night said it had taken the 'extremely difficult' decision to put the latest batch of Big Brother housemates to sleep.

Following the show's cancellation, the producers have called in a vet to humanely destroy the contestants with either poisoned lager or that gas they use on moles.

A spokesman said: "It's the kindest thing to do. Imagine having a racehorse, but instead of being born to run fast it's born to be a prick on the telly."

He added: "Without television there will be nothing for them in this world but rejection, regular thumpings and maybe the odd Saturday shift in the blank CD aisle at Wilkinson's."

But animal rights campaigners attacked the decision and called for volunteers to give loving homes to Half Pipe, Dogfood, and the one that looks like the Aldi version of Wolverine.

Margot Davies, of the Former Reality Show Contestants Protection League, said: "Ex-Big Brother housemates can make wonderful pets given the right environment.

"I myself took in Bubble, who I found slumped naked in the disabled toilet of a Chelmsford nightclub after being dumped by Nell McAndrew."

She added: "It was difficult at first, but after a few months of me rubbing his nose in his doings he's finally learned not to defecate on the rug.

"That said, adopting a housemate is not something to be done lightly and they do tend to make your home smell of broken dreams."

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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I'm a 30 year-old man and I think I'm in love with the woman next door, who happens to be nearly 45 years older than me. Although she looks vaguely like an elephant's scrotum I become aroused every time she puts out the milk bottles and I catch a glimpse of her stunning large bosom straining against her Littlewood's cardigan. It's as if Diana Dors has come back from the grave. Is there something terribly wrong with me?

Dear Simon,
Sometimes, when my parents are feeling selfish and neglectful, they invite my granny over to baby-sit for the evening. I hate it when this happens because my granny reeks of wee. Also, she makes me sit with her all night and listen to boring stories about the olden days, and about dead people called Edna and Dolly. I'm sure my granny is at least 200 years old, and she will probably die soon. Although I don’t really want her to die, it wouldn't be such a bad thing because at least that would mean I wouldn't have to watch Dad’s Army ever again. So I'd avoid your neighbour if I were you. Although from afar she may appear to be a sultry temptress, she'll probably just end up making you eat semolina, or knitting you an embarrassing balaclava for school.   
Hope that helps!