Big Brother Unveils 'All Idiot' House

THE latest series of Big Brother kicked off last night with the unveiling of a house made up exclusively of idiots and half-wits.

It’s the first time the show has featured an all-female idiot house and the producers hope it will bring a new edge to the format, now in its eighth year.

“We want the show to get back to its roots,” said a Channel Four spokeswoman. “It’s not supposed to be a launch pad for wannabe celebrities, it’s supposed to be a giant fish-tank full of cretins.”

Last night’s show began with an apology for the last series of Celebrity Big Brother when Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty had her head shoved down the toilet by Jade Goody and the cast of Hollyoaks.

The first male idiot will be introduced to the house next week. He is due to be sentenced at Bow Street Magistrates Court on Monday afternoon.


PLOP: The 20 year-old from Manchester is a singer, an actress, a model and an assistant manager at Greggs. She enjoys talking about herself and is forced to make new friends every week. She hates foreigners and people who ski.



BINTY: The 20 year-old from London enjoys skiing, snowboarding and bobsledding. She believes that wealth is genetic and hates foreigners, poor people and Greggs.



FART: The 20 year-old from Manchester is a free spirit who has been claiming benefits for four years and living in a Portacabin. She paints murals of herself saving small animals and is convinced that everyone is either in love with her or wants to kill her.



FEBREZE: The 20 year-old from London is a former member of the girl band Lenor and wants to be an actress, a model and the first woman in the SAS. She enjoys long walks on the beach and killing people with a pen. She is sponsored by Febreze.



SHARLEONA: The 20 year-old from Manchester is a lesbian and a Conservative councillor. Her perfect night out would be dinner with Kate Winslet and front row seats at a public hanging. She loves British citizens who don’t speak English and need a lift to the polling station.


PUDDING: The 20 year-old from London describes herself as a ‘bit of a tomboy’. She enjoys golf, rugby and standing-up when she urinates. She loves Alan Hansen and hates foreigners, dole cheats and women.



KOALA: The 20 year-old from Manchester eats eucalyptus leaves and sleeps for 20 hours a day. She is an actress, a model and a marsupial who has had 14 children in the last three years. She hates foreigners and dingos.



YASHMEENA: The 20 year-old from London admits she is stuck-up, arrogant and full of herself. She drives a Mercedes E-Class and eats nothing but lettuce and beef. She hates foreigners and old people.



GERALD: The 73 year-old from Manchester enjoys bowling, the Daily Express and cough sweets. She hates foreigners and 20 year-old tarts.

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Prince Philip Eats Two Cats And A Badger

PRINCE Philip has answered critics of his participation in a fox hunt by eating two cats and a badger.

A Palace spokesman said: "The Prince is a traditional man who believes in the principle of an eye for an eye.

"When the protester decided to eat a dog, the Prince felt the most appropriate response was to eat two cats.

"Pound for pound, that's about the same weight as a Corgi."

The cats, volunteered by members of the Royal Household, were served as four rounds of toasted sandwiches.

The Prince said the cats were delicious and ordered his eldest son to begin marketing an organic version.

The British Constitution guarantees Prince Philip's right, as the Queen's Consort, to eat whatever he wants. In recent years he has developed a taste for stoat, albatross and canary.

The Palace spokesman added: "There's nothing unusual about the badger. He's been eating those since he was at Gordonstoun."