God Tells Britney To Sod Off

GOD last night said he would pretend to be out after troubled singer Britney Spears revealed she “could not wait to meet Him”. 

The Creator of the Universe said he would hide behind the sofa and get St Peter to answer if Spears called, describing the pop star as an “annoying cow” and “not one of my better efforts”.

The Supreme Being said he was sick of the Toxic star invoking his name and said that if Britney was so keen on Him and all his ways she should stop flashing her privates in public and start dressing like a nun, but not in a nasty way like Christian Aguilera.

God said: “I read on Britney’s blog that she makes one mistake and it is all over the television. Well how many times has she been divorced, and how often does she go out without her knickers on? It’s more than fucking once for both, I can tell you.

“But every time I let off a small volcano or unleash a bit of famine the papers and the TV are full of dreadful people going on for months saying either that I don’t exist or that I am cruel and unnatural. Now that’s what I call media harassment.

“Why do these cocking celebrities think they can just call on me whenever they want, usually only when it’s all going tits up? I never invited her up here, I’ve never spoken to the damned girl, I am not even that interested in pop music, although I do like a bit of reggae.”

God said he realised his reluctance to agree to an early entry into Heaven for Spears would disappoint many of his followers on Earth. “I’ve done a lot for humanity,” he said. “I sacrificed my only Son to save you, but this is just asking too much.”

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Blair Tells Gaddaffi: Salmond Is A Dick

TONY Blair and the Libyan dictator Colonel Gaddafi yesterday reached an historic agreement over the fact that Alex Salmond is a dick.

In his farewell tour of Africa, Blair urged Gaddaffi to accept the UK government position that Salmond was a, "tosspot of the first order, who is not even worth the price of a phone call".

Blair will now travel to Sierra Leone and South Africa to reinforce the Government's message that Salmond is an arsehole.

In a speech at the presidential palace in Tripoli, Blair told Gaddaffi: "Admittedly you and I have had our problems in the past, what with you being an insane terrorist.

"Your agents may have wrought carnage and mayhem across Europe, but at least you never put up a candidate in Govan."

He added: "I know the Libyan people will agree with me when I say that Alex Salmond is a dick. He dresses like a supermarket manager and smells of onion bhajis."

Blair arrives in Sierra Leone today where he will dedicate the Allan Wilson Memorial Rangers Supporters Club in honour of the junior Labour minister who lost his seat to the SNP in Cunninghame North.

Next week the outgoing prime minister will attend the G8 Summit in Germany where he hopes to build support for his Alex Samond Is A Dick Foundation.