Björk and other artists who you haven't got a clue what the f**k they're singing about

THEIR music may be great, but thanks to strangulated singing and incomprehensible lyrics, f**k knows what these hugely successful artists are banging on about.

Kevin Rowland

Everyone’s heard the classic Dexy’s hits Come On Eileen and Geno, but Kevin’s rapid, high-pitched lyrics are not so easily recognisable. Luckily people stomping away at wedding receptions make up their own lyrics anyway. Wolverhampton’s finest frontman has a fantastic back catalogue of soulful tunes, but sadly only Kevin himself knows what any of them are about.


It might seem unfair to single out someone who records in a second language, but it’s clear from interviews Björk has a good command of English, even developing a cockney accent at one point. This is forgotten when she’s singing and on Big Time Sensuality and Venus As A Boy she may as be listing Icelandic volcanoes. 


Back in the mists of time (1993) Canadian rapper Darrin O’Brien, aka Snow, had a worldwide hit with Informer, which seems to fuse Inuit words with Jamaican patois, resulting in gibberish. Sadly, 30 years after its release cryptologists the world over are still no closer to working out what ‘a licky boom boom down’ is.

Shane MacGowan

The lead singer of The Pogues was renowned for burning the candle at both ends, and the middle. His lyrics might be stunning works of poetry, but it’s hard to tell when drunkenly snarled into a microphone. The exception is Fairytale Of New York, where Shane and Kirsty MacColl hurl abuse at each other, striking a chord with every couple who’ve had enough of Christmas and your f**king parents aren’t even here yet.

Brian Johnson

Human car alarm and lead singer of rock behemoths AC/DC, is known for having tiny vocal cords made of sandpaper. Once past the choruses of Back In Black and Highway To Hell you’re in a no-man’s land of high-pitched Geordie storytelling only dogs and bats appreciate. Despite AC/DC’s vast success and obvious talent, the first thing anyone hearing him thinks is: ‘Ooh, that sounds like it hurts.’

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Cancel Netflix, stop buying Starbucks and cut out avocados: Young people's advice to anyone struggling with their mortgage

WORRIED about your mortgage costing a f**king fortune? Follow this invaluable financial advice which homeowners were all too keen to dish out to young people.

Cancel Netflix

Mortgages shooting up by hundreds of pounds is a daunting prospect. Cancelling the £6.99 payment you send to Netflix every month will barely make a dent in it and you’ll be without one of the few sources of joy in your otherwise shit life. But you told us to do this and it feels so good watching you realise how dumb it sounds.

Stop buying Starbucks

Why go out for an expensive coffee when you could make a less exciting one at home? Although when energy prices go up in a few weeks boiling the kettle will cost the same as a triple shot venti caramel latte. Maybe think about quitting coffee and sticking to water. On rainy days you can literally drink it for free.

Cut out avocados

How much does an avocado cost? By the media’s reckoning, somewhere in the region of £5,000 per gram. By cutting them out of your diet you’ll quickly save a fortune, unless the fruit is being used as a lazy scapegoat for deeper issues with the housing market. Which they are. You can buy two for £1.50 from Tesco. But don’t, you feckless spendthrifts!

Scale back your takeaways

What the f**k are you doing ordering a Deliveroo? Don’t you know an industrial-sized sack of oatmeal only costs a few pennies and can feed a family of five for a year? It’s a grim diet that will reduce you to an emaciated, toothless husk close to death, but at least you’ll be living within your means which is more important.

No more foreign holidays

Travelling abroad can be expensive, but if you own a house nobody seems to give you shit for spunking a few grand on a trip to Sri Lanka. Not anymore. Welcome to our world of misery where every financial decision you make is scrutinised and evaluated. Make do with sitting on your sofa and thinking about going on holiday instead. It’s incredibly cheap.