Blair explains how he'd have done Star Wars differently

TONY Blair has described in detail what Star Wars should have been like, despite no one asking for his opinion.

After sharing his views on Brexit with Andrew Marr, Blair went on to the 1977 film Star Wars as “shit” and claimed he had “more brilliant ideas while cleaning my teeth than George Lucas has had in his lifetime”.

Blair said: “Instead of the Death Star planet I’d have had a massive spaceship that sucks in planets and fires them out like a ping-pong gun. It’s called the Pingatron.

“The Empire is rubbish, so I’d have a new enemy called ‘the Dictatorship’ led by the evil Knorr Twarkin. It’s important to remind people that standing up to dictators is always the right thing to do.”

Blair then described a plot outline involving a space dragon, Ewok politics and a charismatic young Jedi called Blare Spacerider.

He added: “I’ve got so many ideas I could write all the new spin-offs as well. You could get all the medical droids and do a sort of robot Holby City in space.”

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Cracker-eating woman asked to leave bed

A MAN has asked a woman to leave his bed after she started eating crackers in it.

Martin Bishop was lying in bed with Emma Bradford, when Bradford said she was hungry and went to the kitchen looking for something to eat.

Bishop said: “Next thing you know, she’s eating crackers in the bed. Crumbs everywhere. At that point I asked her to eat the crackers in the living room or, better still, at the kitchen table.

“The thing is, not long after I met Emma I showed her picture to my friend Steven and he actually said to me that he ‘wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers’.

“I didn’t really appreciate what he meant at the time, but now it all makes sense.”

He added: “Not only was Emma incredibly rude to eat such crumbly food in my bed without asking me first, but Steven really needs to think about what constitutes acceptable behaviour.

“If he thinks that a woman can be attractive enough to get some kind cracker-eating exemption then not only is he objectifying women disgracefully, he is also failing to understand the health benefits of uninterrupted sleep.”

Bradford added: “The crackers were much better than the sex.”