Men to finally be told what a 'pumpkin spice latte' is

IN a major concession, women have finally agreed to tell men what a ‘pumpkin spice latte’ actually is.

The phrase, often used by willowy females with chestnut hair and a suspicious level of self-confidence, has led men to assume it was a shibboleth designed to exclude them from ancient secrets.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “It’s just three random words strung together. Or is it one of Gwyneth Paltrow’s children?

“She has a daughter called Lithium Donkey Apple. And she got that from trying to teach a kestrel how to use a Macbook.”

Logan added: “Anyway, whatever the hell it is, the woman I try to live with insists on doing it when she’s out with her mates on a Saturday afternoon.

“I still reckon it’s code for urinating.”

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Former raver can no longer handle Red Bull

A MIDDLE-AGED former raver can no longer cope with the physical and psychological effects of a can of Red Bull, he has admitted. 

42-year-old Stephen Malley, who used to neck vodka Red Bulls at 4am while smoking skunk and waiting for the second E to calm down, had a single can at 8pm last week and seven hours later was staring in the mirror terrified he had an irregular heartbeat.

He said: “I used to laugh at people who thought Red Bull even had an effect. But this shit’s no joke.

“I was still wide awake at midnight but went to bed, thinking it’d settle down after I’d read a bit of my book. It was only when the lights went out that the real trip started.

“There were galaxies pinwheeling across the ceiling, lost thoughts chasing each other around my head, my pulse racing while I fought the overpowering urge to clean the bathroom.

“I finally came down not long before dawn. The kids woke me up slumped asleep on the sofa. I’ve been suffering violent mood swings ever since. Never again.”

He added: “The government needs to think about regulating that stuff. Maybe even banning it.”