Blue Peter, and other boring as shit TV shows your middle-class parents let you watch

WERE you sat in front of educational, wholesome Blue Peter while your friends enjoyed Rude Dog and the Dweebs? You probably had to watch these other dull BBC shows too.


You had enough of the sodding news when your parents watched it for a solid hour at 6pm, but they still forced you to suffer your own tedious junior version. The sound of John Craven’s voice puts you in a bad mood to this day, which also ruined Countryfile, despite your deep and genuine feelings of love for Kate Humble.

Blue Peter

The rest of your class only ever caught three minutes of Blue Peter when they switched on ready for Neighbours, but you had to watch the full boring half-hour of John Leslie herding sheep and Diane Louise Jordan abseiling down the BT Tower. And did your parents spend 160 man-hours helping you build a Tracy Island exactly like Anthea Turner’s? Did they f**k. You should have dobbed them in to ChildLine.


He-Man and the Masters of the Universe was on the other side, but your parents were having none of it and you had to watch f**king Fingermouse instead. Who honestly thinks children want to watch a cardboard mouse play the mandolin when they could be watching She-Ra fight Skeletor? Your stupid parents, that’s who.


While Tony Hart is undoubtedly a legend, you did not think so when you had to watch him slowly paint a watercolour when Fraggle Rock was on ITV. Plus you kept sending in pictures for the gallery and they never got shown despite being ace. Still, it taught you a valuable lesson: don’t try to succeed in life because it’s all a stitch-up. 

The Really Wild Show

Yeah, you liked animals, but that didn’t mean you wanted to waste your time listening to Chris Packham explain the life cycle of a stick insect. Eventually you realised your dad didn’t want to instil in you a passion for natural history, he just fancied Michaela Strachan. Your childhood innocence was lost forever. Thanks, African mole rats.

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Millennial having 'quarter-life crisis' can f**k off, say middle-aged people

PEOPLE who have experienced real existential angst about their age have told a young person facing a ‘quarter-life crisis’ to do one.

After whingeing about turning 30 and not having his life ‘figured out’ yet, millennial Joshua Hudson has been advised by every middle-aged person he knows to f**k off and die.

Office worker Martin Bishop, 52, said: “Oh, is having your relative youth and plenty of life options still open to you proving too much to bear? Forgive me if my heart isn’t exactly bleeding for you.

“So what if you don’t know who you are or what you’re doing? I’m 20 years older than you and I still haven’t got a f**king clue. All I can say for certain is my dream of becoming Britain’s most promising young actor is increasingly off the cards.

“What hurts most is it’s too late for me to sort any of this out. The die has been cast and I’m doomed. I can’t even become a dentist now.”

Donna Sheridan, 48, said: “Having a little wobble about your career isn’t a crisis. You need to unexpectedly chuck your spouse, buy a Porsche Spyder and move to the south of France for no apparent reason. Until you’ve done that, kindly shut the f**k up.”

Hudson added: “Phew, sounds like I’ve got plenty of time to turn things around. I’m sure I won’t wake up and suddenly discover I’m 50 completely out of the blue.”