Booker Prize to gradually remove itself from own arse

THE Man Booker prize has taken the first steps towards clambering out of its own rectum.

Britain’s leading literary award will be opened up to authors from around the world amid hopes that it may eventually include writers who are not just showing off.

Experts said that within a decade the £50,000 prize could even go to an exciting story about a thing that happened to a person.

In recent years the prize has gone to books about someone remembering how they felt when they remembered things.

And in one shortlisted novel the main character was a memory about a feeling.

The exception in recent years has been Hilary Mantel’s Wolf Hall, which is a story about a thing that happened to a person, but still takes 14 pages to describe an old woman’s chin.


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Facebook to become fully automated

FACEBOOK is to replace users’ boring posts with exciting fictional versions.

After complaints that the site had become mired in dull personal details, Mark Zuckerberg announced that his team would delete users’ posts in favour of making it all up.

Zuckerberg said: “What I originally conceived as a vibrant online community has become a virtual landfill full of cake pictures and users saying ‘Hi’.

“Under the new system, your friend Sally will no longer share boring pictures of her meal with a bunch of people you don’t know. Why? Because yesterday she had her leg bitten off by a shark.

“Or perhaps your friend Mike insists on telling everyone about business conferences he’s attended. This tedious content will be replaced by the more interesting news that he’s in a sexual relationship with his own dad.

“Facebook will use the latest technology to illustrate these events that did not happen, for example by generating completely convincing photos taken by your auntie on her space cruise to Saturn.”

Zuckerberg added that a beta test of what he calls ‘Facebook But Interesting 1.0’ had received positive feedback from substantially less-bored users.

Tester Stephen Malley said: “I really struggled to think of interesting things to put on Facebook. But that’s not a problem now that I’m in the SAS and shagging Rihanna.”