Boyfriend dragged to salsa class retaliates by starting affair

A MAN who was forced to accompany his other half to a dance class has kickstarted an affair to get his own back.

Ryan Whittaker was made to attend a salsa session by girlfriend Lucy Parry, who refused to listen to his pleas of ineptitude and complete lack of interest.

Whittaker said: “Lucy loves Strictly, but she knows I hate it and never watch, aside from a brief ogle of the female dancers in their skimpy costumes.

“So a salsa class was always going to be a nightmare. As soon as the teacher said ‘Let’s get those hips moving’, I knew I was f**ked. I’ve never felt so out of place in my life.

“Then Lucy started laughing at me, so when the teacher offered to help and I found myself clamped crotch-to-crotch with this Argentinian beauty, I saw a chance to get my own back.

“Graciela and I have been seeing each for the past few weeks. I’m not kidding myself that it’s going to last, as the woman can do things with her body that are deserving of a far superior dick to mine.

“Is an affair an overreaction? No. You try experiencing the humiliation of trying to do the New York Walk in a draughty community hall when you could be watching John Wick. It’s a perfectly reasonable response.”

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Six things your neighbours know about you that you wish they didn't

PROXIMITY confers familiarity, which means your neighbours know things about you that even your closest friends don’t. They idly discuss the following foibles:

How frequently you have sex

‘Been a while,’ your downstairs neighbour remarks, as the sound of your rutting travels. ‘What, must have been four, five months? No, I tell a lie, it’s only three because they did it after that row about the dog. Why that got them in the mood God knows. Still at least they’re f**king again.’

How long you last

‘Shaved a minute off his normal time there,’ he continues, as all falls silent. ‘Hope he finishes her off this time, otherwise the bedsprings will be going again in ten minutes once he’s asleep.’ ‘Poor girl. She’s ever so pretty and never satisfied sexually. He should know where the clitoris is at his age,’ his wife agrees.

When you smoke weed

‘See they’ve scored again. Decent skunk, seems to me.’ ‘Ooh I know, you could smell it coming down the street. That’ll have them back on the Rick and Mortys.’ ‘I don’t mind in the evening, but at 10am on a Monday when he’s working from home? That’s not right. And she’s no idea.’

What you get delivered

‘What’s that by the door, parcels for upstairs?’ ‘Aye, I’ll pop them round later. Lovehoney, you won’t be surprised to learn.’ ‘That’s the modern age isn’t it? If you don’t take care of a problem the internet will do it for you.’ ‘I gave it a rattle. There’s not just one. She’ll be taking it fore and aft.’ ‘Good for her.’

What you argue about

‘You missed a good one earlier. A real barney. Supposedly about this birthday do they don’t want to go to, but that’s hardly the real reason.’ ‘Plenty of underlying problems in that relationship.’ ‘I know. The fault lines are yawning and he’s blind to it.’

Who you’re sleeping with

‘So she’s having an affair. Heard a new voice up there this afternoon. And you couldn’t miss her.’ ‘Oh, marvellous. Just as you predicted.’ ‘The writing was on the wall. That nice handyman lad who was so polite about moving his van.’ ‘I am pleased. That’s such good news for her. Should we pop a card round to say well done?’ ‘No. Better not.’