Bristol Flocks To See 'Banksy's Penis'

A DRAWING of an ejaculating penis found in a Bristol toilet cubicle is believed to be an early work by guerilla art genius Banksy.

Experts say the genesis of the artist's distinctive style is clearly evident in the fluid lines of the big bell end, rendered in bold, vivid green biro.

Since its discovery last week, a 500 yard-long queue has formed outside the pub as art lovers clamour to see what locals have dubbed 'Banksy's cock'.

University lecturer, Dan Simmons, said: "It's a triumph. The engorged member represents multinational corporations filled with their own sense of self importance while the blobs of ejaculate are clearly child labourers in the Philippines.

"It should be compulsory for school children to come and look at this."

Street artist Banksy is Bristol's most successful commodity since Denzel's CatArse – a type of cider that makes your eyes fall out – and slaves.

Art critic Nathan Muir said: "Banksy speaks for a generation with his colourful drawings of teddies being attacked by hordes of heavily armoured riot police in big helmets clearly labelled 'evil'.

"No other artist of the last 25 years has managed to convey the message that good things are good and bad things are bad in a way that is so exciting and accessible to first year sociology students and other types of twat or muppet."

But local scaffolder Pete Harman was less impressed, adding: "I am totally bursting for a shit and all these people are in the way."

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Football Clubs Swap Rubbish Bins

ENGLAND'S football managers spent yesterday rifling through each other's bin bags in the hope of finding something that was not covered in rancid milk and tea leaves.

As the transfer window closed, the managers grabbed what they could, ran it under a tap and presented it to their local media.

Many of the rubbish swaps were completed just before the 5pm deadline as the coaches finally accepted they were not going to find a Brazilian superstar who fancied spending February in their particularly hellish corner of Northern England.

Sheffield United boss Kevin Blackwell admitted almost giving up hope of finding anything in Derby's bins when he heard a whimpering sound coming from a pile of moist cardboard.

He said: "I lifted up one corner with a stick and, lo and behold, there was a Jordan Stewart.

"I gave it a quick sniff and found that it was relatively fresh. I'm going to hose it down, dry it with an old towel and then spray it with Febreze. If it doesn't work I'll just bung on Gumtree."

Hull City boss Phil Brown added: "I found half a roast chicken, an old book and something called an 'Ibrahima Sonko'. I wonder what it does?"

He added: "Paul Hart was dead jealous 'cos all he could find was some manky defender from Watford covered in four day-old vegetable soup."