Brown Launches Bid For Terrorist Vote

GORDON Brown is pinning Labour's re-election hopes on securing the support of as many UK-based terrorists as possible, it emerged last night.

As it was revealed that Mr Brown supported the release of Lockerbie bomber Abdelbasset Ali al-Megrahi, Labour's internal polling shows the party has taken a 43-point lead over the Tories among terrorists, would-be terrorists and furious men with beards.

The polling results show that Mr Brown is favoured by terrorists on a range of key issues including education, the environment, support for small and medium sized enterprises and letting them out of jail after eight years if they blow something up.

However Mr Brown still trails David Cameron on the economy with most terrorists backing the Tory leader's commitment to cuts in public spending.

Mohammed X, a would-be terrorist from the Midlands, said: "I am worried about future tax rises, particularly as I am planning to blow stuff up which will cost millions of pounds to rebuild.

"I also believe that if cuts are going to be made it should not be to front line services but to politically-correct nonsense like the Special Branch and MI5."

He added: "But when it comes right down to it, Mr Brown's willingness to set me free means I am now leaning towards voting for the Labour chap."

Meanwhile, an exchange of letters between justice secretary Jack Straw and Kenny MacAskill, his Scottish counterpart, reveals the tensions between the two governments over exactly how to make a total and complete arse of al-Megrahi's release.

In early July Mr MacAksill wrote to Mr Straw to ask if the bomber was included in the Prisoner Transfer Agreement with Libya, adding: "And by the way, I've lost my wallet and I need to get back to Dunfermline for my cousin's birthday so is there any chance you could lend me five pounds for the bus? I'll send you a cheque as soon as I get home. I'm totally not some kind of alcy, if that's what you're thinking."

The following day Mr Straw replied: "No, no, absolutely not. Get away from me. You reek of cheap cider."

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Earth's Future In Hands Of Wilf Lunn

THE Earth can be saved from the damaging effects of climate change with a series of contraptions built by Wilf Lunn, it has been claimed.

A report by the Royal Society said Lunn's 20ft-long egg-boiling machines could be adapted to capture carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and then use it to boil millions of eggs.

A spokesman said: "We had almost given up hope on finding practical applications for geo-engineering when Professor Brubaker suggested that man with the crazy moustache from Vision On.

"We now believe Mr Lunn's theory of contraptionistics can be used to construct gigantic, Earth-saving machines, while at the same time ensuring an endless supply of delicious egg mayonnaise for the drought stricken regions of sub-Saharan Africa."

Early ideas include a series of vast mirrors in space to reflect solar rays, 50ft tall CO2 scrubbers to clean the atmosphere and a machine that prevents former US vice-president Al Gore flying half way across the world in a private jet so he can show his boring film to some hippies.

To promote their new report the Royal Society is to stage an exhibition featuring children's drawings of Earth-saving devices which members of the public can view while listening to some lovely guitar music from The Deer Hunter.

Wilf Lunn said last night: "I shall need a ping-bong ball, a candle, two cheese graters and 28ft of copper wire. And an egg."

Bill McKay, an environmentalist from Peterborough, welcomed the report, adding: "My wife is an absolutely colossal scrubber, but unfortunately she does tend to make things even dirtier."