Prison Nicer Than Hospital Apart From All The Sodomy, Say Experts

PRISON life is preferable to hospital apart from the persistent knife-point sodomy and being shanked for an ounce of tobacco, according to a major new report.

Researchers at Bournemouth University said hospital food in particular was below prison standard with those patients who were able to sit up claiming it 'tasted a bit MRSA-ish'.

Nutritionist Dr Roy Hobbs said: "Prison food is designed specifically to deliver the key requirements of your average 22-stone psychopath. Unless, of course, you're a sex offender in which case it's mainly sandwiches made from broken glass and pubes.

"It may surprise some people that prison food is better than hospital food, but it's very important that prisoners are kept in peak condition so that those who want to at least have a chance of fighting off the 22-stone psychopath and his powerfully determined erection."

Last night patients at Knutsford General Hospital staged a violent protest in the hope of arrest, imprisonment and finally some soup that would not make them cry.

Charlie Reeves, an 82 year old hernia patient, said: "Every meal looked like it had died of a tragic wasting disease. One sausage coughed at me when I stuck a fork in it.”

"It's not really what you need when you're having a lump removed from a slightly wider lump."

Dr Hobbs added: "I suppose there comes a point in the history of all great civilisations when its citizens realise they would actually be better off in jail. Britain is now writing that glorious chapter.

"Now If you'll excuse me, this large bag of shit is not going to push itself through Gillian McKeith's letterbox."

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Knotting Hill Fete Goes Off Without Killings

THE Wiltshire village of Knotting Hill's annual fete has gone off without violent death for the 114th year in a row.

Organisers say the success of this year's event was due to a 100% increase in police numbers after local constable Tom Logan agreed to work Monday afternoon as long as he could have next Friday off to do a bit of shopping in Bristol.

Local vicar Rev John Lewsey said: "Last year we made the mistake of running the fete on the same day that Pc Logan was doing cycling proficiency tests for the Beavers.

"This year he was able to give us his undivided attention and thus no Wham bars went missing from the Lyon's Club tuck stand."

Last year Pc Logan's absence led to a 13-year-old entering the 'Garden on a Plate' competition in the 8-12 age group, while local hooligans rearranged the prize marrows and melons in the competition marquee to resemble some genitals.

This year's event enjoyed record attendance figures of about 50 or 60 with some fete-goers travelling from as far away as Chipping Norton.

Attractions included cakes, a bearded loner with an owl, and a lucky dip in which players could pay 50p to win mystery sweets worth 14p.

This year's celebrity was Liz 'Sonia from Shoestring' Crowther, who opened the event with a fascinating anecdote about the time she nearly killed Trevor Eve's cockatoo by accidentally giving it pasta.

Pc Logan said: "There was a minor altercation when a seven year-old won a bottle of sherry in the tombola. Sandra, who is Pete Hugginson the plumber's wife and makes wicker mice, said he shouldn't be allowed to keep it, but she quickly changed her mind in the face of overwhelming force."

He added: "By and large it was a textbook crowd control operation and I won a goldfish off a gypsy."