Brit Awards condemned by mental health charities

PEOPLE suffering from depression should avoid looking at the Brit Awards, according to mental health experts.

The main contenders in this year’s medley of despair are haircut accompaniment Bon Iver and something called a Jessie J, prompting a record number of ‘pebbles forcibly jammed into ear canal’ injuries in A&E wards across the country.

Clinical psychologist Roy Hobbs said: “The best way to avoid any contact with the Brit Awards is to strap a cushion to your head the night before it’s on and start drinking vodka with your eyes shut until you wake up in hospital.

“Otherwise you could be confronted with the sight, and even worse the sound, of an albino busker who cobbles together Coldplay’s acoustic bedwetterness and dad-who’s-just-watched-a-Spike-Lee-film rap with all the success of a gammon trifle.”

The Brit Awards are in their 29th year, despite repeated protests by Amnesty International, and show no signs of stopping despite being responsible for more suicides per annum than unemployment, debt and Eastenders combined.

Blur, Kate Bush and some of Oasis have taken their hereditary places in the program, with Annie Lennox currently curled up foetus-like in one of Noel Gallagher’s drums, ready to  leap out and surprise everyone.

Some critics have pointed to the absence of Simon Cowell’s clay-moulded minions amongst nominees as evidence of their lesser talent, but Hobbs asserts that Chico Time is 2584 times more entertaining than Adele telling you about getting dumped in the rain.

He added: “Still, not long now until the Golden Globes. Will Gervais ‘go too far this time’?

 “It’s impossible to say at this point.”



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Mild winter brings no moral lesson for lazy grasshopper

BRITAIN’S relatively pleasant winter weather has taught absolutely nothing to an idle grasshopper that ignored the advice of an industrious ant.

Grasshopper Tom Logan spent the summer months fornicating with lady grasshoppers, making self-indulgent leg music and only doing about three hops during the whole time, while his friend the ant worked slavishly to store food for the winter months.

He said: “The ant kept on saying I had to get my life together, giving me disapproving looks with his expressive little ant face while struggling beneath some edible object forty times his size.

“But I did not store any food, because I am lazy and arrogant.

“Now I am fine and the ant is dead.

“He collapsed last week, having spent his short life cycle in a loop of arduous, back-breaking labour that was almost entirely pointless.”

He added: “My mandibles are looking especially good and shiny today, don’t you think?”

Naturalist Emma Bradford said: “Look at that fucking grasshopper, without a care in the world. Even its wings are annoying.

“When no one’s watching, I’m going to step on it.”