Britain absolutely dreading Cameron’s first Star Wars reference

BRITAIN is anxiously awaiting David Cameron’s attempt to ingratiate himself with a Star Wars reference.

It has been confirmed the prime minister will use the blockbuster as a way of ‘connecting’ with voters, thereby ruining the film forever.

Star Wars fan, Martin Bishop, said: “After he’s said it I’ll go on social media and express my anger in such a way that I’ll be placed on an MI5 ‘watch list’.”

Meanwhile, Cameron’s advisers have been forced to help with his ghastly attempt at cultural relevance.

A Downing Street source said: “He wants to do something with ‘Poe Dameron’ because it rhymes with ‘Cameron’. It’s hellish, but could also be relatively painless.

“At the moment, however, he’s leaning towards ‘the economy has awoken in the same way the force has awoken’.

“Fuck it, you’re on your own.”

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Osborne sleeps well despite being visited by three ghostly apparitions

GEORGE Osborne slept soundly last night, despite being visited by three ghosts warning him to repent.

Osborne revealed the first spirit took him back in time to show him as a young, carefree student laughing about poor people at the Bullingdon Club.

He said: “The second spirit took me to a homeless shelter in east London where people are dealing with the consequences of my cutbacks.

“Then, the third spirit took me to the future, where I’m viewed as a massive bastard whose grave doubles as a practice mat for disabled inner city break dancers.

“I thought the whole thing was a waste of time and after the last spirit left, I slept like a fucking log.”

He added: “This morning, I opened my bedroom window and noticed a young boy walking past outside.

“I shouted ‘You there, boy, what day is this?’. He said, ‘Friday, Sir’, and I said ‘Then why aren’t you in school, you workshy little prick?’”